May 1, 2016

Surrounded by narcs with no hope of escape. Often wonder what this is doing to daughter, having to interact with all these sociopaths at such a young age. H broke my heart, telling me stories of her childhood. I’ll never understand a parent that puts themselves before their child.
No ball practice today, field too muddy from lots of rain. Got some planting in garden done today. Built recycled trellis, planted tomatoes, cucumbers, peas.
Move to farm not looking great right now. MIL making demands, changing original plan… Not to our benefit of course. I would rather stay here indefinitely than take current offer… Or move to other side of country to get away from everyone currently pissing me off.
May wind up doing plan B- build house here. Would be sad to lose farm, but won’t take it under current “conditions” being placed on it. Not worth it.
T’s work still flaky. Never know if he’ll get paid or another meeting. We’re both under SO much stress… Think I’m developing a damn ulcer to top it off. Never have I wanted to smoke so badly since I quit. 8 years… I won’t, but I’ve sure been thinking about it a lot. Thank goodness for cinnamon breathsavers, I’ve been eating them like crazy. They burn a bit, kind of like smoking did.
Ugh… So bad right now. I really just want to pace and smoke and blast angry industrial music until I feel better. Things I did before my daughter. Have to set an example.

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SO very tired. I’ve gone between wanting to sleep through entire days, to not being able to sleep like right now. Tired of being used. Everybody has a freaking agenda and their wants, needs, etc ALWAYS come first. T wonders why I’ve become such a hermit and like plants SO much more than people. They’re simple. They’re lovely. They’re calming. They don’t lie to me every 2.5 seconds.
I’ve been telling myself, “Just breathe,” reciting the words of that song over and over.
Tonight I’m just doing well not to scream and rage and burn through every lying, mask wearing, manipulative asshat I’ve come across.
I need a creek day something fierce. And a TON of yard therapy.
-B

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