About Belle

Missouri mom, maker, gardener, artist, blogger.

Wow, I suck at updating

In my defense, I was basically using this site to work out inner demons, relieve stress, etc. and I haven’t really felt the need for cheap therapy in quite some time now. I’ve been outside a lot and that usually does the trick just as well or better than rambling on here to nobody in particular. So I guess the good news is, I don’t have a lot of pent up crap I need to work through anymore. I just kind of let it go…

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Being here is good for that. You can stare at the fields, walk in the woods, hang out by the lake, play with the dogs and forget that you have a past- that there were crap boyfriends, or failed friendships or relationships with family that should have required professional therapy. I go out in the garden, I listen to the birds, watch the deer and turkey and all of that other garbage just sort of falls away. It doesn’t matter anymore.  I’ve always been rather an introvert anyway, so it’s not an issue to ignore other people’s drama, politics, etc. I don’t watch the news. I don’t read Twitter or Instagram. I signed up for a bunch of groups on Facebook that mostly just post pretty nature pictures. I’m turning into a hermit/hippie and loving it. It’s peaceful.

Taking care of this place, making it better, that’s what’s important now. The rest is just background noise and static.

So yeah, I suck at updating my websites now. But I’m good with that… and that’s really all that matters. 🙂

 

January 8th, 2018

Waiting until tomorrow is torture. I want to get things signed and done NOW. Supposed to be known for my patience, but I’m sick of waiting. Sick of wondering. Sick of what if’s. Want something concrete. Now please.
Some heat might be nice too. Hate being cold. Ready for spring, now that Christmas is over. Want to be outside, in the yard, not stuck in the house. Need to be making a grocery list. Rather be reading my vampire romance fluff instead. So very constructive.
At least need to get up and do laundry today, so I can say I did something. I could write a little. Drug out my book after a 2 year hiatus and started working on it again. I forget how easy it is to get lost in writing, until I’m doing it. Hard to keep my head in anything else when I am. Trying to figure out how to deal with the love scenes. Don’t want this to push border into erotica, definitely don’t want to go direction of cheesy romance novels. It’s horror/suspense… May have to re-read Mockingjay, see how she deals with them. Don’t remember those being over the top and detracting from the story. Don’t want it coming across like that 50-shades inner goddess crap, although I did watch the movies and found them better. 😉 Tame… but better. For all the hype, I’m thinking that most people out there must have had some REALLY boring love lives. I digress.

Ok, so list, laundry, writing. Go.
Really, you have to go Belle.
Now.
maybe after you check up on your vampires… LOL

-B

January 4th, 2018

If nothing else good happens today, I’m happy that I’m blessed enough to live in this place and get to see visitors like this to our yard all the time.

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T just mssgd me and said we finally got the signature we were waiting on for the house. T needs one more this weekend,  then we can FINALLY go to the bank!!! Only took over a year… >. <

Did some writing today, first time in a LONG time.  I looked at the start date in my notes,  I began writing that book in 2013, then just gave up on it when we started talking about moving.  My entire life became about remodeling house. Was really, really good to sit down at the keyboard again even if it was only for an hour. I need to start making this more of a priority. At least finish this one book and get the kid’s book out. 

Time to pick up E.

-B

January 3rd, 2018

Failed at NYs Resolution idea already… daily positive writing. I’m positive I will forget to do this more often than I remember to do it. Does that count? LOL 

Painted hallway beautiful silvery grey today. Thinking lighter tone for ceiling/opposite wall. I’m covering the house in 50 shades… lmao. 

Decided on dark woods instead of white trim,  looks more craftsman, better fit to the house, will help age it a bit and distract from the gold- finish everything, 90’s gaudy hell. 

Pretty trim bought to cover up butchered patch job on living room windows. Piece of perforated sheet metal coming to recover the intake register.  I’ll need to find trim for a frame. 

Painting this week at other house. Need to get done as much as possible. Still no letter in mail. >:-(

I guess it gives us more time to prepare. Need tires on car, brakes, pay down CCs. Will get back to playing with spiders when it warms up a bit. Need to water trees in spite of cold. SO dry right now. 

Drogo time.

-B

January 1st, 2018 part II

Still deciding on resolutions here. Something positive though.  So much pain,  anger, mistrust for so long.  Feel very much alone sometimes,  but when I think of all the betrayals,  prefer to stay that way. 

Want this year to be better. Stronger. Less about loss and more spending time doing what I love. Chasing my dreams, not self-centered, bitter people. Done chasing.  Let them go. Go away,  don’t come back.  I want to fill all the available space.  No room for them anymore.  Fill it with art, music, love, my daughter, plants, dogs, fresh air, adventure.  No room for those that hurt.

Painted a wall white today. Plans to add trim. Progress.  

-B

January 1st, 2018

Happy New Year. Spent mine on couch with my kiddo while she played with my hair.  Laughed a lot. Watched Goonies. Played with Lenore. Watched ball drop, went to bed. I said I was most looking forward to garden this year.  Went to dinner Mexican place.  Very cold out,  mostly good day. 

Read lots of good things that happened to ppl in 2017. Want to start writing more of my own. Found this amazing Gaiman quote. 

December 12, 2017

My “baby” just turned 9. Watched videos of her on FB playing in the snow with her dog, sheer joy. Bittersweet. I don’t wish she was still little, just wish it would SLOW DOWN. I’m trying to hang on to every fleeting moment and she’s wishing them away as fast as they come of course. She got a fender acoustic for Christmas. Been asking for a real guitar forever. On YouTube tonight taking first lessons. I wish I could show her some things, my hands are too far gone though. 😦
I keep waiting for the Santa questions. They’re coming soon I’m sure. Maybe just one more year…
Even folding laundry last night was rough… was trying to put a pair of socks together. On third attempt I said fuck it and threw them all in a basket. Really frustrating what this steals from you. Piece by piece, I’ll lose my ability to do art, maybe sew, work in the garden. FFS, just cut them off and give me robot hands at that point. Hell I’d take them now if they’d work like mine did 10 years ago.
Becoming a walking medial who’s who… Hashimoto’s, Bouchard’s Nodes, Heberden’s Nodes, Osgood Schlatters. I wish they’d just leave me alone, all of them, and let my parts be mine the bastards. T finally getting injections for his back. I wish they could shoot my hands full of that stuff about once a month in the winter. Tomorrow temps supposed to go back up. High pressure==less pain. Pressure drops and every nerve feels raw and exposed, every bone full of shards of hot glass. Still, have to get chores done, take care of animals. I press on.
M called and said puppies are doing well, doing ok at new job, she’s going to be a grandma. E-kitty got in a fight with something… hopefully not neighbor’s dog. Couldn’t get him to leave his house last night. Spent the past two nights in the garage with D where he was safe and could keep close watch. Seems MUCH better today.
J&H coming from Ark next week. This week trying to finish up shades for great room and get something accomplished at lake. I’ll be lucky if my ficus is still alive, need to get it moved here. Want to get this damn house done and sold. Some help would be nice. Started new article for dirt on the blinds. Not all that exciting, but something at least. I haven’t written anything there in a while. Not much to write with no garden and yard in maintenance only mode for past year.
So many plans for this spring. Hope I have time and energy to do them all. Knee is better at least. I can get another round of shots if necessary. If it holds out, I’ll be a gardening fool come April. Maybe Feb. if there are nice days. 😉

Ok, laundry. Ugh.

B

Turned a corner

I turned a corner somewhere this summer and everything changed. New town, new house, new yard, new friends. First time in a long time I have hope. Hope of escape. Fresh start. Less I visit the past, less I want to go back. Took down othersideofdirt. Don’t need an entire blog dedicated to the sociopaths in my past any longer. Was good therapy for a while. Still deal with lots of fallout, but always will. Stronger all the time though. Reminds me of witch saying, “Never again the burning times,” for me “Never again will I fall to a Narc.” I still post about Narcissistic personality order a LOT on FB. To the point my friends probably get sick of reading about it. Or maybe just scroll on by. Doesn’t matter. I’ll never stop trying to educate ppl. More aware of monsters = less prey. Less fuel for dead eyes and false faces. Creeptastic.

I have become increasingly aware that my writing here often sounds like Jadis from The Walking Dead. Fractured sentences. Ideas that I don’t fully explain. Write this for myself anyway. Don’t sculpt, but I do paint. 😉 Haven’t tried in the nude or asked men to pose for me nude. Fear narcs will get in before spotted. Parasites. Vampires. No wonder nightmares for years. Different names… same personality behind  false face. Mom, sister, lover, friend.

40 acres. Lots of trees. Small town away from all. Hope to never see narcs again.

Moved in August. Loving more and more. Lots of stuff to clean up, but slowly making progress. Strange going through other’s things. Again I think of Jadis, living surrounded by other’s stuff. LOL sometimes I even make new stuff from the stuff. maybe I should get bangs. 😛

E doing ok now. Was a bit rough at first. Old friends didn’t seem to care much, hard to get them to bother. Glad she has new friends now. Likes her teacher. Been in two parades, joined 4-H and loves it. Still talking about veterinarian, hasn’t changed since 2 years old. Went to lake for Thanksgiving, but think we’ll do even that here next year.

Watched M Night’s Split yesterday, got me thinking on all this stuff and how things have changed so much this summer. When he said to the girl at the end, “The broken are the more evolved. Rejoice!” Camera panning down her body. Showing all the cutting scars, put there by herself or her molesting uncle, doesn’t matter. I burst into tears. Still hard to write about. Felt every word. Trusted family. Trusted friends. Trusted boyfriends who promised to save me, only to drag me into another nightmare. Felt abandoned. Felt lost. Felt BROKEN. So true. I have evolved. Rejoice. Maybe not just yet. But I’m learning that the scars are ok. They mean I survived  in spite of everything. In spite of trusting. In spite of loving that which couldn’t love in return. Left standing at the end. Didn’t expect a horror movie to give validation. LOL

Longest time I felt surrounded by sadists. It was ok. I didn’t mind pain. It made me feel like I had purpose. Don’t need their pain anymore though. I feel alive here without it. Don’t need to think about them or mourn for them anymore. I’m ok without them. Don’t need to write entire blogs about them. Others can write on narcs.

Rejoice indeed. I finally have room to breathe after leaving that life behind. Don’t stare into their abyss anymore,  kick dirt over that shit and leave it behind.

Cleaned house, garage, garden, working on tractor barn. Want to do barn next. (I have a barn!!!) It’s huge. Dreams of horses finally. I can surround myself with good things. Plants. Horses, dogs, children. Tractors, woods, trees, deer, turkey, hawks, owls, ponds. Simple people. Honest people. People that wear their hearts on their sleeve. J’s kind eyes from the tractor. Love the girl at the gas station. Love B for giving E free pizza cards. Love that I’m invited to school parties. Did some art for the 4-H float. Made everyone happy and proud to have the float. The kids took the posters home after! Threw beanies at the cops and they smiled and loved it. 🙂

Here can be home. Here can finally be peace. Maybe I can even make peace with myself. Finally. Calm all those voices in my head. Put the meaner ones to sleep. Maybe forever. Evolve. Finally life. Finally art. Grow. Earth. Love.

B

Wednesday March 15th

Didn’t want to get up.  Still tired snd sore from crappy weather. Drove Ely to school. Wish there were fewer stairs, because my knee still hurts. Went to Wal-Mart for dog food. Can’t believe how much we go through now. Got a text from T as I was leaving. Had to park and discuss health insurance.  

Watch the man beat his car with a wrench. Watched man yell at a woman in the car next to him. Couldn’t decide if he was mad at her or the car. Wished it wasn’t illegal to just shoot people like him. Watched him leave the parking lot squalling tires. Watched him do a u-turn. Watched him come back. Watched him yell at the girl again. Watch them leave together. Said a prayer E never dates a prick like that. I may need to dig a deep hole if she does.

Went home and dealt with insurance stuff. Didn’t start painting until 11 a.m. manage to get the trim done. Inside of the cabinets. Both doors on one side. Not too shabby for one day. Volunteer tomorrow. So probably no progress. Wish we could go to the bank.

Another CEO change at T’s work. Scary. Hoping this one makes a difference. 

Here to pick up E from school. Watching other kids parents on their phones. I’ll bet they’re not blogging like I am. Probably playing Candy Crush or something.

B

March 1, 2017

After 6 weeks, EP FINALLY paid T part of what they owed him. No paycheck for a month is rough, especially when you’re trying to get credit things fixed. They missed another pay day yesterday. So very, incredibly sick of T getting emails instead of bank deposits. We got so far behind in things that I had to catch up- over $500 worth of crap from Walmart after not going for a month. Not that I enjoy hanging out in Walmart, but I usually try to go once a pay period so we don’t run out of shampoo and have to resort to using hotel room samples.
Thank goodness for tax returns coming in at the right time, it’s what we’ve been living on for the past month. Had one dog scheduled for surgery (routine spay) other dog had an accident involving her tail that wound up being a $600 fix and much pain to the dog. I will just say, if you have a storm door that the actuator doesn’t work anymore and lets the door slam… I would highly recommend you either fix the actuator, or remove the door. It can be very dangerous to tails or small fingers with the right amount of wind. The end isn’t looking great today. I’m hoping that it’s going to heal and not have to go back for more surgery. Hard on the dog and us!
Still renovating my tail off every. single. day. Kitchen has only one counter top left to do and it’s finally finished. I painted all the cabinets inside and out, textured and painted walls, installed back splash behind sink and stove, new window trim, counter tops coated with stone-coat, edges stained and all sealed with poly. We put a new sink and counter top in the bathroom last weekend. I’ve been painting past several days. I have trim and cabinets left to paint in there and then it’s on to the office. Office is mostly paint, living room is mostly paint, so I’m hoping both of those go quickly. I will be glad when the move is over and all the renovating is over. I’m sick of renovating. It would be nice to just paint things that I WANT to paint. LOL
A little bummed about no garden this year. I told E that we would have to visit farmer’s markets and such this year instead. We’ll appreciate someone else’s hard work for a year. Next year, we can put in a HUGE garden and maybe some fruit trees too. I already have peach trees in the house in pots!
E is practicing her last set of songs for spring concerts and then that’s it for her extra-curricular this year. We were so excited when she got into robotics and so disappointed when it turned out to be a crappy experience for her. Hopefully that will improve at her new school. They choir may get to sing at a Cardinal’s game in Springfield- would be nice even just going to a game and doing something as a family that doesn’t involve cleaning, renovating or boxing up stuff. We had a little cookout at the creek last weekend- was nice to just hang out for a couple hours and not be ticking off a list of things to do in my head the entire time. Not sure when I’ll have to time to sit down and get another update in.

I’m glad it’s spring. Even if I don’t have a lot of yard time. :)bellecordes-combanner.jpg

B