August 4th, 2016

Cat still in the wall @ the farm, in spite of all our efforts. Trying one way door finally we’ll see if it works. Going back to check on Saturday. Boys are building themselves a fancy deer blind to go hunting in.
So hard to be there sometimes. Mixed emotions. Disgust for the current condition, plants are overgrown, spiders and fleas in the house. Cats made a phenomenal mess. But I dream of what it could become. I can picture my plants in the windows. The cabinets painted, new countertops, long sheer curtains… I’m able to see the potential the way I saw this place when we moved here. I like naked or nearly naked pallets to begin with. It lets me create whatever I can imagine.
I can see the whole place in cool greens, blues and earthy neutrals. I touch of eggplant purple in the bedroom. Industrial touches here and there that I’ll make myself. I can spend my time making it beautiful instead of only functional.
That’s just the inside. I can imagine our horses running in the field. Zinnias planted three feet deep outside the south bank of windows, the garden filled with rows of my mounds. Water features, a fire pit, seating areas, a tree house for E.
I can’t even tell you how much this place could mean to us all. It seems as if “life” is thwarting our hopes at every turn. Took months to even get things in the hands of a lawyer. Now they are epically slow. No real news in almost a month. EP still hasn’t paid T. No paycheck this time in over a month. It just gets worse and worse. Sometimes I am frustrated with him, wonder if he couldn’t be more assertive about it… About getting off the Titanic before it sinks all the way to the bottom. I feel like those people standing on deck, watching the last of the lifeboats launching, knowing we are too far in the back of the line… I paid only 2 bills from savings this week. The rest I have to wait. I fear these asshats will ruin the credit we’ve struggled so hard to build this past year. Our savings is almost depleted. If T doesn’t figure something out soon, I’m going to need a job, and FAST. Not even sure that would be enough to save us at this point.
I’m tired of the constant uncertainty. I know nothing is a sure thing these days where companies are concerned, but there has to be more stable than THIS out there.
PLEASE let him find it. And SOON.
E starting school in two weeks. Can’t even buy her new shoes or school supplies. 😦
Made a little doing computer stuff on the side. May have to use that to cover it. If only money spells or blessings actually worked. Trying to keep spirits up, but it’s getting harder all the time.