December 12, 2017

My “baby” just turned 9. Watched videos of her on FB playing in the snow with her dog, sheer joy. Bittersweet. I don’t wish she was still little, just wish it would SLOW DOWN. I’m trying to hang on to every fleeting moment and she’s wishing them away as fast as they come of course. She got a fender acoustic for Christmas. Been asking for a real guitar forever. On YouTube tonight taking first lessons. I wish I could show her some things, my hands are too far gone though. 😦
I keep waiting for the Santa questions. They’re coming soon I’m sure. Maybe just one more year…
Even folding laundry last night was rough… was trying to put a pair of socks together. On third attempt I said fuck it and threw them all in a basket. Really frustrating what this steals from you. Piece by piece, I’ll lose my ability to do art, maybe sew, work in the garden. FFS, just cut them off and give me robot hands at that point. Hell I’d take them now if they’d work like mine did 10 years ago.
Becoming a walking medial who’s who… Hashimoto’s, Bouchard’s Nodes, Heberden’s Nodes, Osgood Schlatters. I wish they’d just leave me alone, all of them, and let my parts be mine the bastards. T finally getting injections for his back. I wish they could shoot my hands full of that stuff about once a month in the winter. Tomorrow temps supposed to go back up. High pressure==less pain. Pressure drops and every nerve feels raw and exposed, every bone full of shards of hot glass. Still, have to get chores done, take care of animals. I press on.
M called and said puppies are doing well, doing ok at new job, she’s going to be a grandma. E-kitty got in a fight with something… hopefully not neighbor’s dog. Couldn’t get him to leave his house last night. Spent the past two nights in the garage with D where he was safe and could keep close watch. Seems MUCH better today.
J&H coming from Ark next week. This week trying to finish up shades for great room and get something accomplished at lake. I’ll be lucky if my ficus is still alive, need to get it moved here. Want to get this damn house done and sold. Some help would be nice. Started new article for dirt on the blinds. Not all that exciting, but something at least. I haven’t written anything there in a while. Not much to write with no garden and yard in maintenance only mode for past year.
So many plans for this spring. Hope I have time and energy to do them all. Knee is better at least. I can get another round of shots if necessary. If it holds out, I’ll be a gardening fool come April. Maybe Feb. if there are nice days. 😉

Ok, laundry. Ugh.


Turned a corner

I turned a corner somewhere this summer and everything changed. New town, new house, new yard, new friends. First time in a long time I have hope. Hope of escape. Fresh start. Less I visit the past, less I want to go back. Took down othersideofdirt. Don’t need an entire blog dedicated to the sociopaths in my past any longer. Was good therapy for a while. Still deal with lots of fallout, but always will. Stronger all the time though. Reminds me of witch saying, “Never again the burning times,” for me “Never again will I fall to a Narc.” I still post about Narcissistic personality order a LOT on FB. To the point my friends probably get sick of reading about it. Or maybe just scroll on by. Doesn’t matter. I’ll never stop trying to educate ppl. More aware of monsters = less prey. Less fuel for dead eyes and false faces. Creeptastic.

I have become increasingly aware that my writing here often sounds like Jadis from The Walking Dead. Fractured sentences. Ideas that I don’t fully explain. Write this for myself anyway. Don’t sculpt, but I do paint. 😉 Haven’t tried in the nude or asked men to pose for me nude. Fear narcs will get in before spotted. Parasites. Vampires. No wonder nightmares for years. Different names… same personality behind  false face. Mom, sister, lover, friend.

40 acres. Lots of trees. Small town away from all. Hope to never see narcs again.

Moved in August. Loving more and more. Lots of stuff to clean up, but slowly making progress. Strange going through other’s things. Again I think of Jadis, living surrounded by other’s stuff. LOL sometimes I even make new stuff from the stuff. maybe I should get bangs. 😛

E doing ok now. Was a bit rough at first. Old friends didn’t seem to care much, hard to get them to bother. Glad she has new friends now. Likes her teacher. Been in two parades, joined 4-H and loves it. Still talking about veterinarian, hasn’t changed since 2 years old. Went to lake for Thanksgiving, but think we’ll do even that here next year.

Watched M Night’s Split yesterday, got me thinking on all this stuff and how things have changed so much this summer. When he said to the girl at the end, “The broken are the more evolved. Rejoice!” Camera panning down her body. Showing all the cutting scars, put there by herself or her molesting uncle, doesn’t matter. I burst into tears. Still hard to write about. Felt every word. Trusted family. Trusted friends. Trusted boyfriends who promised to save me, only to drag me into another nightmare. Felt abandoned. Felt lost. Felt BROKEN. So true. I have evolved. Rejoice. Maybe not just yet. But I’m learning that the scars are ok. They mean I survived  in spite of everything. In spite of trusting. In spite of loving that which couldn’t love in return. Left standing at the end. Didn’t expect a horror movie to give validation. LOL

Longest time I felt surrounded by sadists. It was ok. I didn’t mind pain. It made me feel like I had purpose. Don’t need their pain anymore though. I feel alive here without it. Don’t need to think about them or mourn for them anymore. I’m ok without them. Don’t need to write entire blogs about them. Others can write on narcs.

Rejoice indeed. I finally have room to breathe after leaving that life behind. Don’t stare into their abyss anymore,  kick dirt over that shit and leave it behind.

Cleaned house, garage, garden, working on tractor barn. Want to do barn next. (I have a barn!!!) It’s huge. Dreams of horses finally. I can surround myself with good things. Plants. Horses, dogs, children. Tractors, woods, trees, deer, turkey, hawks, owls, ponds. Simple people. Honest people. People that wear their hearts on their sleeve. J’s kind eyes from the tractor. Love the girl at the gas station. Love B for giving E free pizza cards. Love that I’m invited to school parties. Did some art for the 4-H float. Made everyone happy and proud to have the float. The kids took the posters home after! Threw beanies at the cops and they smiled and loved it. 🙂

Here can be home. Here can finally be peace. Maybe I can even make peace with myself. Finally. Calm all those voices in my head. Put the meaner ones to sleep. Maybe forever. Evolve. Finally life. Finally art. Grow. Earth. Love.