Seriously.

Guys, I have no freaking idea what this site is about or where it’s headed. I use it to ramble about stuff that’s bugging me or occasionally just STUFF in general, but I don’t know that it has a purpose or theme outside of random BS.

I really just bought the domain and put something on it, because I didn’t want some rando owning the name and parking ads or some such crap on it and holding it hostage in case I did want it for something later.

I write about most of my hobbies on Dirt, so I don’t need to do that here. I’ve put some pretty dark stuff on here when I was having a bad day or 3am thoughts, but I don’t really want to fill an entire site with lamentations or angry, brooding angsty crap, because 99.9% of the time, that’s not where I am. But having a site full of that makes it seem like that’s ALL I’m doing, plus do I don’t need an online reminder of those moments, nor do I need to put more of that garbage out into the world, there is enough of it there already.

So I don’t know what to talk about here. Nothing maybe. Maybe it just sits? Maybe it’s just for this- occasional ramblings about not knowing what to ramble about. LOL This is why I don’t make videos for my other sites, because I tend to do this when I talk too.

I’m excited about Monday and Tuesday, we have all kinds of Solstice stuff planned to do. We started doing the homeschool thing when my daughter’s school when “hybrid” learning- meaning half video online at home and half time in class. She was just over it and said she’d rather just homeschool full time, so that’s what we’re doing now. It meant she got to take the horseback riding lessons she’s been wanting because it didn’t conflict with school schedule. It means we get to do some really cool stuff the next two days for the Solstice. I have a whole two days planned of science, astronomy, stuff about paganism and Yule- we’re making a Yule log, home-made wassail and natural bird feeders, having a bonfire and going out to look at the Saturn/Jupiter conjunction that’s happening.

Tom just called- he’s out with Ely doing 4-H and the car won’t start, so I have to go rescue them. Laters.

B

That was me making art when I was in 1st or 2nd grade. Look at the determination on my face!

I wish I could always move forward with the confidence I had as a kid. Before all the self doubt and criticism began to accumulate and sink its nasty claws in good and deep.

I was surprised the other day to hear my favorite musical artist talking about how he lacked confidence for so long. How he still had such a long way to go and had better get his shit together and start learning these things. I was stunned. He was giving an interview while being inducted into the Rock and Roll hall of fame.

My rock GOD. My beloved Trent, who I have told my husband I would leave him for if Mr Reznor were to propose. LMAO…

He doesn’t think of himself as I do. Or as millions of other fans do. So in light of all that, perhaps there is hope for me. I wonder if any artist ever truly believes they are “enough.” Or if we all spend tortured hours wondering if our art is original enough or as good as our peers, etc etc.

They say, “Comparison is the thief if joy,” but it’s hard to be objective when you’re working solely with subjective things. One person may look at my stuff and see something special, while another may laugh at my amateurish attempts and suggest I’d be of better use teaching finger painting to toddlers.

Confidence or no, for now I just keep making stuff and putting it out there. Bad, good or other, at least the one thing I don’t have to second guess myself on is whether I pushed past my comfort zone and tried.

-B

I had a serious case of insomnia the other night, coupled with hormonal dreams from what I believe is pre-menopause setting in.

This is NEVER a good situation for decision making. My sleep deprived brain determined it needed to be writing again and that it would be a brilliant idea to reboot my old autobiographical site, Dear-Me.

As I sit here at school, listening to the redneck two cars down belt out Summer of ’69 with his windows down I am reminded of very good reasons NOT TO reboot Dear-Me. I have more than one abusive narcissist in my past.

Do I really want to break down barriers I’ve spent years erecting and drag all those painful memories back into the forefront of my every day thoughts?

Simply put: Nope.

I’ve worked too hard for my peace to destroy it for the sake of telling a story I’ve told once already. Let it die. Let it gather dust, sitting on a shelf somewhere in the ethos, mouldering away, moth eaten and forgotten.

Those people are “past” for very good reason. I won’t give them my energy or pain again. They aren’t worth it.

So if I do any real writing, it will likely be fiction and any non- fiction will be about gardening. My plants are always lovely.

-B

In my defense, I was basically using this site to work out inner demons, relieve stress, etc. and I haven’t really felt the need for cheap therapy in quite some time now. I’ve been outside a lot and that usually does the trick just as well or better than rambling on here to nobody in particular. So I guess the good news is, I don’t have a lot of pent up crap I need to work through anymore. I just kind of let it go…

Being here is good for that. You can stare at the fields, walk in the woods, hang out by the lake, play with the dogs and forget that you have a past- that there were crap boyfriends, or failed friendships or relationships with family that should have required professional therapy. I go out in the garden, I listen to the birds, watch the deer and turkey and all of that other garbage just sort of falls away. It doesn’t matter anymore.  I’ve always been rather an introvert anyway, so it’s not an issue to ignore other people’s drama, politics, etc. I don’t watch the news. I don’t read Twitter or Instagram. I signed up for a bunch of groups on Facebook that mostly just post pretty nature pictures. I’m turning into a hermit/hippie and loving it. It’s peaceful.

Taking care of this place, making it better, that’s what’s important now. The rest is just background noise and static.

So yeah, I suck at updating my websites now. But I’m good with that… and that’s really all that matters. 🙂

Waiting until tomorrow is torture. I want to get things signed and done NOW. Supposed to be known for my patience, but I’m sick of waiting. Sick of wondering. Sick of what if’s. Want something concrete. Now please.
Some heat might be nice too. Hate being cold. Ready for spring, now that Christmas is over. Want to be outside, in the yard, not stuck in the house. Need to be making a grocery list. Rather be reading my vampire romance fluff instead. So very constructive.
At least need to get up and do laundry today, so I can say I did something. I could write a little. Drug out my book after a 2 year hiatus and started working on it again. I forget how easy it is to get lost in writing, until I’m doing it. Hard to keep my head in anything else when I am. Trying to figure out how to deal with the love scenes. Don’t want this to push border into erotica, definitely don’t want to go direction of cheesy romance novels. It’s horror/suspense… May have to re-read Mockingjay, see how she deals with them. Don’t remember those being over the top and detracting from the story. Don’t want it coming across like that 50-shades inner goddess crap, although I did watch the movies and found them better. 😉 Tame… but better. For all the hype, I’m thinking that most people out there must have had some REALLY boring love lives. I digress.

Ok, so list, laundry, writing. Go.
Really, you have to go Belle.
Now.
maybe after you check up on your vampires… LOL

-B

Failed at NYs Resolution idea already… daily positive writing. I’m positive I will forget to do this more often than I remember to do it. Does that count? LOL 

Painted hallway beautiful silvery grey today. Thinking lighter tone for ceiling/opposite wall. I’m covering the house in 50 shades… lmao. 

Decided on dark woods instead of white trim,  looks more craftsman, better fit to the house, will help age it a bit and distract from the gold- finish everything, 90’s gaudy hell. 

Pretty trim bought to cover up butchered patch job on living room windows. Piece of perforated sheet metal coming to recover the intake register.  I’ll need to find trim for a frame. 

Painting this week at other house. Need to get done as much as possible. Still no letter in mail. >:-(

I guess it gives us more time to prepare. Need tires on car, brakes, pay down CCs. Will get back to playing with spiders when it warms up a bit. Need to water trees in spite of cold. SO dry right now. 

Drogo time.

-B

Still deciding on resolutions here. Something positive though.  So much pain,  anger, mistrust for so long.  Feel very much alone sometimes,  but when I think of all the betrayals,  prefer to stay that way. 

Want this year to be better. Stronger. Less about loss and more spending time doing what I love. Chasing my dreams, not self-centered, bitter people. Done chasing.  Let them go. Go away,  don’t come back.  I want to fill all the available space.  No room for them anymore.  Fill it with art, music, love, my daughter, plants, dogs, fresh air, adventure.  No room for those that hurt.

Painted a wall white today. Plans to add trim. Progress.  

-B

Happy New Year. Spent mine on couch with my kiddo while she played with my hair.  Laughed a lot. Watched Goonies. Played with Lenore. Watched ball drop, went to bed. I said I was most looking forward to garden this year.  Went to dinner Mexican place.  Very cold out,  mostly good day. 

Read lots of good things that happened to ppl in 2017. Want to start writing more of my own. Found this amazing Gaiman quote. 

My “baby” just turned 9. Watched videos of her on FB playing in the snow with her dog, sheer joy. Bittersweet. I don’t wish she was still little, just wish it would SLOW DOWN. I’m trying to hang on to every fleeting moment and she’s wishing them away as fast as they come of course. She got a fender acoustic for Christmas. Been asking for a real guitar forever. On YouTube tonight taking first lessons. I wish I could show her some things, my hands are too far gone though. 😦
I keep waiting for the Santa questions. They’re coming soon I’m sure. Maybe just one more year…
Even folding laundry last night was rough… was trying to put a pair of socks together. On third attempt I said fuck it and threw them all in a basket. Really frustrating what this steals from you. Piece by piece, I’ll lose my ability to do art, maybe sew, work in the garden. FFS, just cut them off and give me robot hands at that point. Hell I’d take them now if they’d work like mine did 10 years ago.
Becoming a walking medial who’s who… Hashimoto’s, Bouchard’s Nodes, Heberden’s Nodes, Osgood Schlatters. I wish they’d just leave me alone, all of them, and let my parts be mine the bastards. T finally getting injections for his back. I wish they could shoot my hands full of that stuff about once a month in the winter. Tomorrow temps supposed to go back up. High pressure==less pain. Pressure drops and every nerve feels raw and exposed, every bone full of shards of hot glass. Still, have to get chores done, take care of animals. I press on.
M called and said puppies are doing well, doing ok at new job, she’s going to be a grandma. E-kitty got in a fight with something… hopefully not neighbor’s dog. Couldn’t get him to leave his house last night. Spent the past two nights in the garage with D where he was safe and could keep close watch. Seems MUCH better today.
J&H coming from Ark next week. This week trying to finish up shades for great room and get something accomplished at lake. I’ll be lucky if my ficus is still alive, need to get it moved here. Want to get this damn house done and sold. Some help would be nice. Started new article for dirt on the blinds. Not all that exciting, but something at least. I haven’t written anything there in a while. Not much to write with no garden and yard in maintenance only mode for past year.
So many plans for this spring. Hope I have time and energy to do them all. Knee is better at least. I can get another round of shots if necessary. If it holds out, I’ll be a gardening fool come April. Maybe Feb. if there are nice days. 😉

Ok, laundry. Ugh.

B