May 1, 2016

Surrounded by narcs with no hope of escape. Often wonder what this is doing to daughter, having to interact with all these sociopaths at such a young age. H broke my heart, telling me stories of her childhood. I’ll never understand a parent that puts themselves before their child.
No ball practice today, field too muddy from lots of rain. Got some planting in garden done today. Built recycled trellis, planted tomatoes, cucumbers, peas.
Move to farm not looking great right now. MIL making demands, changing original plan… Not to our benefit of course. I would rather stay here indefinitely than take current offer… Or move to other side of country to get away from everyone currently pissing me off.
May wind up doing plan B- build house here. Would be sad to lose farm, but won’t take it under current “conditions” being placed on it. Not worth it.
T’s work still flaky. Never know if he’ll get paid or another meeting. We’re both under SO much stress… Think I’m developing a damn ulcer to top it off. Never have I wanted to smoke so badly since I quit. 8 years… I won’t, but I’ve sure been thinking about it a lot. Thank goodness for cinnamon breathsavers, I’ve been eating them like crazy. They burn a bit, kind of like smoking did.
Ugh… So bad right now. I really just want to pace and smoke and blast angry industrial music until I feel better. Things I did before my daughter. Have to set an example.

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SO very tired. I’ve gone between wanting to sleep through entire days, to not being able to sleep like right now. Tired of being used. Everybody has a freaking agenda and their wants, needs, etc ALWAYS come first. T wonders why I’ve become such a hermit and like plants SO much more than people. They’re simple. They’re lovely. They’re calming. They don’t lie to me every 2.5 seconds.
I’ve been telling myself, “Just breathe,” reciting the words of that song over and over.
Tonight I’m just doing well not to scream and rage and burn through every lying, mask wearing, manipulative asshat I’ve come across.
I need a creek day something fierce. And a TON of yard therapy.
-B

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April 15, 2016

Didn’t sleep well last night, forgot to take pills before bed… Yeesh getting old. Arthritis sucks. Wrote a very long letter today to part of extended family. Wondering if it will make a difference or be wasted paper. Always find myself referring to Atlas during times of great stress, almost as if it were a bible. Maybe it is… Mine at least.
Went to school early, used my volunteer badge to get E and go to back parking, front lot is a zoo because of the carnival in middle school parking lot. People parking in ditch and @ the Baptist church. I don’t abuse the badge often. Finished decorating while I waited on the bell. At least I did something volunteer-ish. 😉
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Ice cream at DQ with E after school. Home for a bit, worked on that note some more… I know, I’m not penning a novel, but the message has to be right… Only one shot at this. Ball practice. Wandered about, got pictures. E distracted today, didn’t seem that interested in playing. Wonder if she’s getting discouraged? Ordered a practice tool so she can work on batting. N hit every single ball, then popped one off the bat right into his face. Bloody nose, poor kid. Note to self, put first aid kit in the car. First game is this coming Monday. Hope E snaps out of her funk and gets into it.
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T supposed to at least get milage today, nothing yet. Supposedly, they have resolved the issue for a few months. Sinking… Sinking… I really hope he gets hired by another contractor soon. I hate wondering if we can pay bills from week to week w/o wiping out our savings.
Casey’s Pizza tonight. Had to eat cheap. T’s going fishing tomorrow. Not my thing, I’ll yard or WOW. Already have my first sunburn of summer. Time to start using that sunscreen! Yard looks especially beautiful this year. Maybe I’m just happy to see it all bloom… Maybe the last time.
B

April 14, 2016

Beyond frustrated right now. T’s company didn’t pay him AGAIN; this time they are saying it could be as much as two weeks before they catch it up. I’ve lost count of how many times they’ve done this now, but two weeks is the longest it’s ever gone before. This place is sinking faster than the Titanic and we’ve been locked below deck. T has calls in to people, hoping to get something resolved or maybe prospects for another job. Waiting sucks.

Nothing resolved with moving or the farm either. Still waiting on people to call lawyers, lawyers to call each other, someone to figure out what the next steps are. If a clock tower and a rifle could resolve this, I’d be tempted. It’s been another entire week. No discussion, no progress, NOTHING. FFS, just get off your butts and MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN already.

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I don’t mind waiting. I really don’t. If I know there is a good reason for it and that things are in motion, they’ll just take time. I can be extremely patient, as long as I’m making some sort of progress.
But this inertia is killing me. And what’s worse, I’m just along for the ride. I have no control over any of it, not really a say even. I can keep asking T what’s going on and why nothing is happening… I just get another big sigh, eye roll and, “I don’t know.” I could yell and scream but it wouldn’t do any good. Not being able to just take the reins from people when they aren’t doing anything really sucks. Nothing like just sitting there in the back, watching yourself go over the cliff.

I try not to obsess, but now this thing with T’s work makes it harder. One crisis after another this month. Did I mention daughter got head lice? Several other kids in her class had it as well, so I can only speculate where it came from. Hair down to her waist. Thick as mine. It takes an hour to comb through it each time, but we’ve diligently done it every night this week.

Sad to say, handling the lice has been the highlight of this month so far. At least it’s something I CAN take action on and do something about.

Dogwood festival this weekend. Can’t believe it’s almost summer already.

-B

April 3rd, 2016

$20 Black & Decker Drill

… Keeps going through my head over and over. All this mess with T’s family over grandparent’s estate. Everyone squabbling that they want a lawyer and to get their fair share. Going to land the damn thing in probate where it will be tied up for YEARS, more likely. And lose all kinds of $ in the process.
I wish it was just over with.

It’s been over 20 years now since my grandpa Keith died. (Is that even POSSIBLE? )
Unfortunately, I still have vivid memories of the events right before and after his death. My mom and uncle fighting over the scraps of his life like a pack of hyenas. My then-boyfriend had to yell at them both the night following grandpa’s death. They got in a screaming match in the living room over end which of them was going to take this stupid cordless drill. SCREAMING.
I told bf, “If they don’t stop, I’m going to grab it from them grandpa smash it to bits. Then there won’t’ be anything to fight over.” He made them stop. Told them they were acting like children.
My grandpa lived in a small rental apartment. He made chili for AA meetings on weekends. He had just retired from years of working in theaters. He wore 3 piece suits everyday for years. He found out he had throat cancer just after Christmas. By May 10th, he was gone. I loved him dearly.
I wanted to take home things that smelled like him, his comforter, his clothes… I wanted movie posters, because of anything else there, I felt those represented him best. My mother and uncle walked in before grandpa had even had time to be embalmed and started taking stock of anything valuable. His jewelry. The car. The furniture, appliances, stuff like that. Their interests clearly weren’t about remembrance, but “what’s in it for me?”
For all the fighting, I’ll bet they couldn’t even tell you where half that stuff is now. Some of it was sold for $. Some is rotting in my mother’s garage. Clearly, she cherished every thing she brought home. It destroyed what little relationship there was between my mom and get brother. It sickened me in a way I never forgave either of them for.
Now, I’m watching my husband’s family do the same thing. Fighting over a couple sheds full of yardsale stuff, boxes of old magazines full of brown recluse, a tiny metal boat, a tractor that doesn’t run and a a few beer stiens. The whole lot couldn’t be worth more than a couple thousand $. They act like the Hope Diamond and the Crown jewels are in those sheds.
It makes me unbelievingly sad. His grandparents even had a living trust, trying to avoid this very situation. Why do people behave like this over stuff they didn’t even earn?
All I can think of while all this stupid drama goes on is, “$20 cordless drill.” And I wonder if anyone is bothering to water papaw’s Rose of Sharon bushes that he planted the year before he died. 😦

-B

January 31st, 2016

Quiet weekend after Tom’s tonsillectomy on Monday. Today seems to be the worst so far, eschar is starting to come off, new nerve endings exposed. Wonder if there’s always going to be big holes back there now instead of huge tonsils?
Took E to ride her bike today, she wanted to show Dad she could ride sans training wheels. Wound up at WM before afternoon was over, picking out a new bike.

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I haven’t ridden in over 20 years, last thing I had was the 10 speed I got when I was about 8 or 9 I think? New bike is a mountain bike. Even got a rack for the car. Shit’s getting serious now! Lol. Guess I’ll see if I can ride with her and not break my neck.

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Freaking wheels are huge. I’m only 5’5″ so barely can touch the ground when on the seat. At least E will grow into hers!
She signed up for STEAM (science, technology, engineering, arts, math), so far she likes it. Only 6 kids, all in her community, they’re building a car of some sort this week. Also signed up for fit & fun, wants to do softball in spring. Extra curriculars… Here we go! This is how it begins… Next thing I’ll be driving a mini bus and playing mom taxi to 7 kids. Ah well, she’ll be in college before I know it at the rate things are going by.
Got garden fence in this weekend. More for extra trellis space than a fence to keep things out. Ordered all my plants. Praying they don’t all come at once now or I’ll be planting in the dark.
Really looking forward to summer already. I complain things go by too fast, then wish 3 months away in the next breath. >.<
Was awesome getting outside this weekend though. 68F in January! I expect to pay for that before winter is over. I just want to be outside! Can't seem to get motivated to work on inside projects this year.

I just feel like doing art and growing things. Ordered E a bunch of zinnia seeds to fill that huge new planting bed in front of the garden. We’re going to have loads of flowers this year. Berries, veggies, even peach trees. Hoping to start beekeeping too.

I’m turning into one of those tree hugging, nature freak artistic types. Recycling and rebuilding stuff, painting & drawing for people, spending more and more time outside. I even talked Tom into taking me on sort of a “nature vacation” this year. Maybe I’ve always been this way, I just hadn’t embraced it yet.

Time to crash. Busy day tomorrow followed by busier week.

-Belle

December 25th, 2015

Had a wonderful Christmas with Mister and E. I’m still amazed sometimes at the lack of stress/drama during holidays since making the decision to keep major holidays just the three of us. We played from 5:30 am until almost 6pm, when E finally gave up and settled down in the chair to watch Alladin with dad. I used to get hives on the holidays. Today I smiled so much my cheeks hurt. 🙂
Can’t imagine a better way to spend Christmas.
E has so many cool new things, I’m going to have to get some sort of new storage system in her room. I thought the flying dragon was going to be her favorite, but she spent hours playing with the engineering blocks. And I was worried she wouldn’t like them!
Her cousins seem to have had a halfway decent day in spite of the hell they are going through. It’s just not fair when kids get drug into their parent’s drama. No kid deserves that. You would think, that people who experienced childhood trauma themselves would be the last parents in the world to put their children through the same or worse. Apparently that logic doesn’t hold on illogical people.
So the day was a bit bittersweet. Happy for myself, my husband, my child… Grieving for her cousins and what they are going through.
E’s grandparents here tomorrow.
I’m already making project lists in my head of things I’d like to get done once the holidays are over. I’ve ordered organizers to remedy the shoe situation. E’s room and the tools are next. The clutter makes me crazy. Makes me want to spring clean and have a junk-bonfire.
I need to start thinking about how to set up beehives.
That was rather random…
-B

December 23rd, 2015

The eve before Christmas eve. Yule came and went here with little fuss. I am no better at keeping up Wiccan ritual than I was any other religion. I am glad the days will be getting longer again, the warm weather makes me miss my garden already.
I got my first seed catalogue, made a mental note to pick out some things to start from seed soon. Time to start stocking up on empty water bottles again!
Went to Marianne’s for a few hours. Took her banana bread, walked by the creek with dogs, E loves the new puppy. He has loads of energy and likes to fetch. Fed some treats to Stretch and Dena, ran to Wal-Mart. (For the love of all things holy WHY did I let us run out of dog food two days before Christmas?!) Crowds were INSANE. Ran into Jack, George and Lynn. Strange to see some people from the hospital now, almost seems another lifetime ago.
Ordered stuff to get shoes organized. Every time I go to Marianne’s, I am reminded how woefully cluttered and unorganized our house is. …and how badly I need to rip all of our carpet out. One thing at a time I guess.
Tomorrow I will spend cleaning house and getting ready for company Sat. I have to nail trellis back up tomorrow, the wind was brutal today and knocked some down on the porch.
-B