April 14, 2016

Beyond frustrated right now. T’s company didn’t pay him AGAIN; this time they are saying it could be as much as two weeks before they catch it up. I’ve lost count of how many times they’ve done this now, but two weeks is the longest it’s ever gone before. This place is sinking faster than the Titanic and we’ve been locked below deck. T has calls in to people, hoping to get something resolved or maybe prospects for another job. Waiting sucks.

Nothing resolved with moving or the farm either. Still waiting on people to call lawyers, lawyers to call each other, someone to figure out what the next steps are. If a clock tower and a rifle could resolve this, I’d be tempted. It’s been another entire week. No discussion, no progress, NOTHING. FFS, just get off your butts and MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN already.

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I don’t mind waiting. I really don’t. If I know there is a good reason for it and that things are in motion, they’ll just take time. I can be extremely patient, as long as I’m making some sort of progress.
But this inertia is killing me. And what’s worse, I’m just along for the ride. I have no control over any of it, not really a say even. I can keep asking T what’s going on and why nothing is happening… I just get another big sigh, eye roll and, “I don’t know.” I could yell and scream but it wouldn’t do any good. Not being able to just take the reins from people when they aren’t doing anything really sucks. Nothing like just sitting there in the back, watching yourself go over the cliff.

I try not to obsess, but now this thing with T’s work makes it harder. One crisis after another this month. Did I mention daughter got head lice? Several other kids in her class had it as well, so I can only speculate where it came from. Hair down to her waist. Thick as mine. It takes an hour to comb through it each time, but we’ve diligently done it every night this week.

Sad to say, handling the lice has been the highlight of this month so far. At least it’s something I CAN take action on and do something about.

Dogwood festival this weekend. Can’t believe it’s almost summer already.

-B

April 3rd, 2016

$20 Black & Decker Drill

… Keeps going through my head over and over. All this mess with T’s family over grandparent’s estate. Everyone squabbling that they want a lawyer and to get their fair share. Going to land the damn thing in probate where it will be tied up for YEARS, more likely. And lose all kinds of $ in the process.
I wish it was just over with.

It’s been over 20 years now since my grandpa Keith died. (Is that even POSSIBLE? )
Unfortunately, I still have vivid memories of the events right before and after his death. My mom and uncle fighting over the scraps of his life like a pack of hyenas. My then-boyfriend had to yell at them both the night following grandpa’s death. They got in a screaming match in the living room over end which of them was going to take this stupid cordless drill. SCREAMING.
I told bf, “If they don’t stop, I’m going to grab it from them grandpa smash it to bits. Then there won’t’ be anything to fight over.” He made them stop. Told them they were acting like children.
My grandpa lived in a small rental apartment. He made chili for AA meetings on weekends. He had just retired from years of working in theaters. He wore 3 piece suits everyday for years. He found out he had throat cancer just after Christmas. By May 10th, he was gone. I loved him dearly.
I wanted to take home things that smelled like him, his comforter, his clothes… I wanted movie posters, because of anything else there, I felt those represented him best. My mother and uncle walked in before grandpa had even had time to be embalmed and started taking stock of anything valuable. His jewelry. The car. The furniture, appliances, stuff like that. Their interests clearly weren’t about remembrance, but “what’s in it for me?”
For all the fighting, I’ll bet they couldn’t even tell you where half that stuff is now. Some of it was sold for $. Some is rotting in my mother’s garage. Clearly, she cherished every thing she brought home. It destroyed what little relationship there was between my mom and get brother. It sickened me in a way I never forgave either of them for.
Now, I’m watching my husband’s family do the same thing. Fighting over a couple sheds full of yardsale stuff, boxes of old magazines full of brown recluse, a tiny metal boat, a tractor that doesn’t run and a a few beer stiens. The whole lot couldn’t be worth more than a couple thousand $. They act like the Hope Diamond and the Crown jewels are in those sheds.
It makes me unbelievingly sad. His grandparents even had a living trust, trying to avoid this very situation. Why do people behave like this over stuff they didn’t even earn?
All I can think of while all this stupid drama goes on is, “$20 cordless drill.” And I wonder if anyone is bothering to water papaw’s Rose of Sharon bushes that he planted the year before he died. 😦

-B

January 31st, 2016

Quiet weekend after Tom’s tonsillectomy on Monday. Today seems to be the worst so far, eschar is starting to come off, new nerve endings exposed. Wonder if there’s always going to be big holes back there now instead of huge tonsils?
Took E to ride her bike today, she wanted to show Dad she could ride sans training wheels. Wound up at WM before afternoon was over, picking out a new bike.

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I haven’t ridden in over 20 years, last thing I had was the 10 speed I got when I was about 8 or 9 I think? New bike is a mountain bike. Even got a rack for the car. Shit’s getting serious now! Lol. Guess I’ll see if I can ride with her and not break my neck.

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Freaking wheels are huge. I’m only 5’5″ so barely can touch the ground when on the seat. At least E will grow into hers!
She signed up for STEAM (science, technology, engineering, arts, math), so far she likes it. Only 6 kids, all in her community, they’re building a car of some sort this week. Also signed up for fit & fun, wants to do softball in spring. Extra curriculars… Here we go! This is how it begins… Next thing I’ll be driving a mini bus and playing mom taxi to 7 kids. Ah well, she’ll be in college before I know it at the rate things are going by.
Got garden fence in this weekend. More for extra trellis space than a fence to keep things out. Ordered all my plants. Praying they don’t all come at once now or I’ll be planting in the dark.
Really looking forward to summer already. I complain things go by too fast, then wish 3 months away in the next breath. >.<
Was awesome getting outside this weekend though. 68F in January! I expect to pay for that before winter is over. I just want to be outside! Can't seem to get motivated to work on inside projects this year.

I just feel like doing art and growing things. Ordered E a bunch of zinnia seeds to fill that huge new planting bed in front of the garden. We’re going to have loads of flowers this year. Berries, veggies, even peach trees. Hoping to start beekeeping too.

I’m turning into one of those tree hugging, nature freak artistic types. Recycling and rebuilding stuff, painting & drawing for people, spending more and more time outside. I even talked Tom into taking me on sort of a “nature vacation” this year. Maybe I’ve always been this way, I just hadn’t embraced it yet.

Time to crash. Busy day tomorrow followed by busier week.

-Belle

December 25th, 2015

Had a wonderful Christmas with Mister and E. I’m still amazed sometimes at the lack of stress/drama during holidays since making the decision to keep major holidays just the three of us. We played from 5:30 am until almost 6pm, when E finally gave up and settled down in the chair to watch Alladin with dad. I used to get hives on the holidays. Today I smiled so much my cheeks hurt. 🙂
Can’t imagine a better way to spend Christmas.
E has so many cool new things, I’m going to have to get some sort of new storage system in her room. I thought the flying dragon was going to be her favorite, but she spent hours playing with the engineering blocks. And I was worried she wouldn’t like them!
Her cousins seem to have had a halfway decent day in spite of the hell they are going through. It’s just not fair when kids get drug into their parent’s drama. No kid deserves that. You would think, that people who experienced childhood trauma themselves would be the last parents in the world to put their children through the same or worse. Apparently that logic doesn’t hold on illogical people.
So the day was a bit bittersweet. Happy for myself, my husband, my child… Grieving for her cousins and what they are going through.
E’s grandparents here tomorrow.
I’m already making project lists in my head of things I’d like to get done once the holidays are over. I’ve ordered organizers to remedy the shoe situation. E’s room and the tools are next. The clutter makes me crazy. Makes me want to spring clean and have a junk-bonfire.
I need to start thinking about how to set up beehives.
That was rather random…
-B

December 23rd, 2015

The eve before Christmas eve. Yule came and went here with little fuss. I am no better at keeping up Wiccan ritual than I was any other religion. I am glad the days will be getting longer again, the warm weather makes me miss my garden already.
I got my first seed catalogue, made a mental note to pick out some things to start from seed soon. Time to start stocking up on empty water bottles again!
Went to Marianne’s for a few hours. Took her banana bread, walked by the creek with dogs, E loves the new puppy. He has loads of energy and likes to fetch. Fed some treats to Stretch and Dena, ran to Wal-Mart. (For the love of all things holy WHY did I let us run out of dog food two days before Christmas?!) Crowds were INSANE. Ran into Jack, George and Lynn. Strange to see some people from the hospital now, almost seems another lifetime ago.
Ordered stuff to get shoes organized. Every time I go to Marianne’s, I am reminded how woefully cluttered and unorganized our house is. …and how badly I need to rip all of our carpet out. One thing at a time I guess.
Tomorrow I will spend cleaning house and getting ready for company Sat. I have to nail trellis back up tomorrow, the wind was brutal today and knocked some down on the porch.
-B

Again, I Start Something…

Only to get busy with other projects and forget about it. I was using this site as a journal of sorts, but then school started, I was tired and forgot to write in it for 4 months.

E had her 7th birthday on the ice at Old Kinderhook. I didn’t try to skate, arthritis makes possibility of a fall scary. She had a great time with a friend from school. Elsa, Olaf and Santa all there. 🙂

Been working on some things for Wrong Side Dirt. Thinking of using it as a kind of therapy, writing always has helped. Family accused me of writing a book about them, maybe it’s not a bad idea. I never realized how many ppl out there have to deal with abuse or the fall out from it. I spend a lot of time reading about NPD, the more I learn, the easier it is to cope. So much loss… I miss these people sometimes, yet the people I miss never actually existed at all. They were only masks of what they wanted me to see. I wonder why I have nightmares. Still, determined my daughter will not fall prey to these creatures. I’ve spent my entire life at battle with them, I don’t want her to have to waste hers that way. If only I had the time back I invested in those ‘people’.

Been doing a lot of artwork for the school. Fun, makes the kids happy, teachers happy, great way to channel some energy into something positive. Plus, I got home-canned pickles out of the deal. 🙂

Need to get some house projects finished. Might be nice to have kitchen cabinets done before we build new house.

Christmas only 3 days away. Not sure where this year has gone, except I’ve been so busy @ school, Tom teases I should just work there. But if I went back to college, would likely be for marketing, not teaching degree.

NYs Resolution needs to be stop thinking about people that didn’t make the effort to stay in my life and concern myself with the ones that did. Shoo ghosts, don’t bother me… And stop sending my kid mail.

Saturday, August 15

Worked on E’s new tree house most of the day. Got walls up. Back wall even has a window. Planning pulley system, chalk board, tire climb and rope ladder for the rest. Going to add swing set later. She was very happy with progress. 99% built from scrap lumber, tires and mostly pallet wood, which was free.
Ladder materials and pulley system will add about $40.
T going to help move stuff from farm tomorrow. Plans to start a beehive this fall to go between the garden and fruit trees I want to plant when I build mounds for them. Need to clear top of hill tomorrow anyway, I think we’re getting a tractor. More equipment we get, the better this land is becoming. Moving some tires out to camping area tomorrow. I’m thinking of building camp chairs out of them somehow.
We already have a huge coffee table made of pallets. Just needs sanded and stained.
I have a list of house projects a mile long and yard projects two miles long, hoping to keep me busy this fall and winter. Last year sucked SO bad. I was depressed about my family, then E gone 8 hours a day at school. I spent WAY too much time moping around, being depressed. Don’t want to waste time like that this year. I have too much I’d like to do. Plus, I’m hoping more exercise and less depression will help keep the pain from getting so out of control. It always hurts more when I sit and have time to dwell on it.
B

Wednesday, August 5th

Couple of quiet days. Worked on E’s scrapbook for the past school year Tuesday. As usual, it won’t be finished until she’s already in the next grade. I’m going to have to get a new bookshelf in the office to hold them all. I picked the biggest binder available and still had to use two of them for this one year. They give them SO much paper at public school. I haven’t even added our personal pictures yet, just her school stuff. I even threw about 25% of it in the trash… Worksheets she’d only half finished or were repeats that she’d had over and over.
Next week we’ll get to find out who her teacher is.
Today we watched movies because it rained all day. The most ambitious thing I did was color my hair and wax.
I think tomorrow we are going to go play in the creek. I want to do fun stuff this next week and a half instead of working. I can knock out projects while she is at school. Hopefully this year, I can stay a little more focused instead of watching reruns and being depressed. What a waste that was. I’d love to be able to say I have a publisher by Christmas. It would also be nice to have several chapters of my book written. U guess we’ll see. I also have house things, yard projects and exercise I want to get in. Maybe I’ll be too busy to mope about. 😉
B

Monday, August 3rd

15 days till school starts. Does it seem I’m counting down? I guess I am. Not bc I’m in a hurry to send her off though. I’m hoping I do better this year and do something productive while E’s at school, instead of sitting around here, depressed and thinking about things that should be long dead to me and left alone. Last year was rough.
Already I’m thinking, “Just one more lunch and errand day together before I go back to shopping alone.” Getting grown up SO freaking fast… And about to come into that age that I can still remember vividly from my own childhood. Tunnels through wild roses, riding my purple bike with no breaks down Hollyhock. The apocalyptic rock fight with the Murphy’s. Rich’s little brother siphoning gas from Mom’s car. Getting a tape recorder for my 8th birthday and my first 2 albums- Thriller and She’s So Unusual. Collecting Bryer horses. Playing with Patrick and Jerred in the back yard.
I wonder what she will remember? I try to make good memories for her. Things she can look back and remember us spending REAL time together. I want her to be confident in herself now. She’ll need all she can get in about 5 years. For every great memory I have of how epic it was being 8, I have an equal number of horror stories I can recall from 12-17.
We had lunch together at El Caporal today. Opened her a savings account. She spent the afternoon playing with toy handcuffs from the grocery store.
Supposed to make cobbler tomorrow. Maybe we’ll find time to go to the woods for a bit.
B

August 2nd

Felt like a short weekend. Took E  to library on Saturday while T went to creek to deliver cucumbers. Told not to visit because they were too tired, but kept him there talking until after 3. (His observation, not mine) Spent rest of afternoon playing a little WOW, then grilling burgers. I was fine with a weekend off. Too much peopling makes me cranky.
Sunday built a spice rack from pallets. I need to find more stuff to make from them. Spice rack turned out pretty well. Still need to stain, but not sure of cabinet color yet, so I’ll wait.
Next weekend Harrison, which always wears me out. SO MUCH going on and always wall to wall people. I have fun, but need several days to recuperate. Almost feels like a hangover after.
School starts in 16 days. Mixed feelings. I get SO used to having E home, but I also need to get back to writing. Have to force myself to work on projects this year, get book published. I keep changing the big book. Although I have an ending now, which may help the rest move right along. I want to do a bit more character development before I launch into the edgy scenes. I thought about taking supernatural aspect out, but then decided it was more fun in.
T got approved for mileage, hopefully we can get some things caught up now. Need new tires on both vehicles. Licensing coming up too. I’d really like a new sewing machine.
Keep considering my mother, then deciding against trying to fix. Thinking about M is usually what puts me off making the effort. All those lies and so much fake. I wonder if she is capable of telling the truth? I’m sure she’s told some whoppers in past year, thinking we are gone and she’ll never have to answer for them. Like the ones she tells friends she thinks I’ll never meet. Has made for some awkward moments in the past.

Have to get to sleep. Will soon be getting up early to take E to school again.
B