About Belle

Missouri mom, maker, gardener, artist, blogger.

Turned a corner

I turned a corner somewhere this summer and everything changed. New town, new house, new yard, new friends. First time in a long time I have hope. Hope of escape. Fresh start. Less I visit the past, less I want to go back. Took down othersideofdirt. Don’t need an entire blog dedicated to the sociopaths in my past any longer. Was good therapy for a while. Still deal with lots of fallout, but always will. Stronger all the time though. Reminds me of witch saying, “Never again the burning times,” for me “Never again will I fall to a Narc.” I still post about Narcissistic personality order a LOT on FB. To the point my friends probably get sick of reading about it. Or maybe just scroll on by. Doesn’t matter. I’ll never stop trying to educate ppl. More aware of monsters = less prey. Less fuel for dead eyes and false faces. Creeptastic.

I have become increasingly aware that my writing here often sounds like Jadis from The Walking Dead. Fractured sentences. Ideas that I don’t fully explain. Write this for myself anyway. Don’t sculpt, but I do paint. 😉 Haven’t tried in the nude or asked men to pose for me nude. Fear narcs will get in before spotted. Parasites. Vampires. No wonder nightmares for years. Different names… same personality behind  false face. Mom, sister, lover, friend.

40 acres. Lots of trees. Small town away from all. Hope to never see narcs again.

Moved in August. Loving more and more. Lots of stuff to clean up, but slowly making progress. Strange going through other’s things. Again I think of Jadis, living surrounded by other’s stuff. LOL sometimes I even make new stuff from the stuff. maybe I should get bangs. 😛

E doing ok now. Was a bit rough at first. Old friends didn’t seem to care much, hard to get them to bother. Glad she has new friends now. Likes her teacher. Been in two parades, joined 4-H and loves it. Still talking about veterinarian, hasn’t changed since 2 years old. Went to lake for Thanksgiving, but think we’ll do even that here next year.

Watched M Night’s Split yesterday, got me thinking on all this stuff and how things have changed so much this summer. When he said to the girl at the end, “The broken are the more evolved. Rejoice!” Camera panning down her body. Showing all the cutting scars, put there by herself or her molesting uncle, doesn’t matter. I burst into tears. Still hard to write about. Felt every word. Trusted family. Trusted friends. Trusted boyfriends who promised to save me, only to drag me into another nightmare. Felt abandoned. Felt lost. Felt BROKEN. So true. I have evolved. Rejoice. Maybe not just yet. But I’m learning that the scars are ok. They mean I survived  in spite of everything. In spite of trusting. In spite of loving that which couldn’t love in return. Left standing at the end. Didn’t expect a horror movie to give validation. LOL

Longest time I felt surrounded by sadists. It was ok. I didn’t mind pain. It made me feel like I had purpose. Don’t need their pain anymore though. I feel alive here without it. Don’t need to think about them or mourn for them anymore. I’m ok without them. Don’t need to write entire blogs about them. Others can write on narcs.

Rejoice indeed. I finally have room to breathe after leaving that life behind. Don’t stare into their abyss anymore,  kick dirt over that shit and leave it behind.

Cleaned house, garage, garden, working on tractor barn. Want to do barn next. (I have a barn!!!) It’s huge. Dreams of horses finally. I can surround myself with good things. Plants. Horses, dogs, children. Tractors, woods, trees, deer, turkey, hawks, owls, ponds. Simple people. Honest people. People that wear their hearts on their sleeve. J’s kind eyes from the tractor. Love the girl at the gas station. Love B for giving E free pizza cards. Love that I’m invited to school parties. Did some art for the 4-H float. Made everyone happy and proud to have the float. The kids took the posters home after! Threw beanies at the cops and they smiled and loved it. 🙂

Here can be home. Here can finally be peace. Maybe I can even make peace with myself. Finally. Calm all those voices in my head. Put the meaner ones to sleep. Maybe forever. Evolve. Finally life. Finally art. Grow. Earth. Love.

B

Wednesday March 15th

Didn’t want to get up.  Still tired snd sore from crappy weather. Drove Ely to school. Wish there were fewer stairs, because my knee still hurts. Went to Wal-Mart for dog food. Can’t believe how much we go through now. Got a text from T as I was leaving. Had to park and discuss health insurance.  

Watch the man beat his car with a wrench. Watched man yell at a woman in the car next to him. Couldn’t decide if he was mad at her or the car. Wished it wasn’t illegal to just shoot people like him. Watched him leave the parking lot squalling tires. Watched him do a u-turn. Watched him come back. Watched him yell at the girl again. Watch them leave together. Said a prayer E never dates a prick like that. I may need to dig a deep hole if she does.

Went home and dealt with insurance stuff. Didn’t start painting until 11 a.m. manage to get the trim done. Inside of the cabinets. Both doors on one side. Not too shabby for one day. Volunteer tomorrow. So probably no progress. Wish we could go to the bank.

Another CEO change at T’s work. Scary. Hoping this one makes a difference. 

Here to pick up E from school. Watching other kids parents on their phones. I’ll bet they’re not blogging like I am. Probably playing Candy Crush or something.

B

March 1, 2017

After 6 weeks, EP FINALLY paid T part of what they owed him. No paycheck for a month is rough, especially when you’re trying to get credit things fixed. They missed another pay day yesterday. So very, incredibly sick of T getting emails instead of bank deposits. We got so far behind in things that I had to catch up- over $500 worth of crap from Walmart after not going for a month. Not that I enjoy hanging out in Walmart, but I usually try to go once a pay period so we don’t run out of shampoo and have to resort to using hotel room samples.
Thank goodness for tax returns coming in at the right time, it’s what we’ve been living on for the past month. Had one dog scheduled for surgery (routine spay) other dog had an accident involving her tail that wound up being a $600 fix and much pain to the dog. I will just say, if you have a storm door that the actuator doesn’t work anymore and lets the door slam… I would highly recommend you either fix the actuator, or remove the door. It can be very dangerous to tails or small fingers with the right amount of wind. The end isn’t looking great today. I’m hoping that it’s going to heal and not have to go back for more surgery. Hard on the dog and us!
Still renovating my tail off every. single. day. Kitchen has only one counter top left to do and it’s finally finished. I painted all the cabinets inside and out, textured and painted walls, installed back splash behind sink and stove, new window trim, counter tops coated with stone-coat, edges stained and all sealed with poly. We put a new sink and counter top in the bathroom last weekend. I’ve been painting past several days. I have trim and cabinets left to paint in there and then it’s on to the office. Office is mostly paint, living room is mostly paint, so I’m hoping both of those go quickly. I will be glad when the move is over and all the renovating is over. I’m sick of renovating. It would be nice to just paint things that I WANT to paint. LOL
A little bummed about no garden this year. I told E that we would have to visit farmer’s markets and such this year instead. We’ll appreciate someone else’s hard work for a year. Next year, we can put in a HUGE garden and maybe some fruit trees too. I already have peach trees in the house in pots!
E is practicing her last set of songs for spring concerts and then that’s it for her extra-curricular this year. We were so excited when she got into robotics and so disappointed when it turned out to be a crappy experience for her. Hopefully that will improve at her new school. They choir may get to sing at a Cardinal’s game in Springfield- would be nice even just going to a game and doing something as a family that doesn’t involve cleaning, renovating or boxing up stuff. We had a little cookout at the creek last weekend- was nice to just hang out for a couple hours and not be ticking off a list of things to do in my head the entire time. Not sure when I’ll have to time to sit down and get another update in.

I’m glad it’s spring. Even if I don’t have a lot of yard time. :)bellecordes-combanner.jpg

B

 

 

February 5th, 2017

So many things going on right now…

Finished painting cabinets.  Few things left in kitchen,  then start on bathroom.  Weekends cleaning out farm.  Forgot what relaxing feels like, hopefully no more renovation after farm is done. Waiting on lawyers, I am far from patient. Want to tell people,  afraid I’ll jinx it. Cut trees, moved 95% of main house to other house.  Felt empty, but really good.  Got to visit with Dennis. Huge scar from broken deep V branch on tree up front. Cut off rot, sealed scar, hopefully tree will recover. Worried about condition of big oaks. 

Wishing I could plan a garden this year. Too much work in house to be outside. Find this distressing.  Miss walking with dogs. Saw 9 turkeys. Sent box marked,  “Steins and assorted spiders” Decided to abandon fridge.  Mouse nests all over trailer.  SO many projects there.  Need to get started. Wish papers were signed already.  

Very extremely much tired. Considering self publishing. Tired of sitting on ideas that I’m not acting on. Amazed how much my dad as kid looks like me in photos. Often wonder if I could have known him better. 

Have a planning book. Lawyers need to hurry up so I can put it to work.

October 15, 2016

Long time since I’ve posted anything. Cat has finally been removed from wall. Still fighting relatives re: status of resolving everything in the trust. Ppl acting with typical greed/entitlement syndrome rather than trying to preserve what grandparents have built. Sad and frustrating. I just want to see it restored and made a gathering place for friends and family again. Or at least “made” family like Dennis, since both of our families are so incredibly f%$&#ed up. 

We have a new puppy. Malinois border collie mix. They call it a Malin collie. We call her Lenore. If you don’t understand

 why, I’m not going to try and explain it to you… ppl look at me as if I’m crazy when I start talking about Poe and the Ravens. Are you doing it now? Then stop reading this blog. Immediately. Go stalk someone that reads Nora Robert’s novels and takes those relationship quizzes in Cosmopolitan. 

I was afraid new puppy would be a nightmare at first. Our two adult dogs are extremely mellow bordering on just plain lazy. This puppy, the demon spawn of two energetic breeds, MUST be exercised daily, else she will chew everything in the house, including us and the lazy dogs. 

So I stated walking her every day to maintain my sanity. And I’m finding that even though my back hurts today and I had to buy better walking shoes than my Walmart specials, I am holding up ok. My hands have been he’ll with the weather shift and I’ll soon wish someone would just chop them off the pain will be so bad… but so far, the walking seems to be not only NOT hurting, but maybe even HELPING a bit. 

I started out with very short, quick adventures. After a week, I’m happy to report that Olivia pulls less, Lenore is nearly leash broke already and I am not feeling like I need to be in a wheelchair. We’re up to almost half hour walks. Which may seem REALLY pitiful to some, but it was progress for us. The arthritis pain in my back, hips, shoulders didn’t really abate this summer. Normally I get a period of respite between spring and fall. This year though, I had several weeks where I felt my pelvis was full of shards of hot glass. Yes, it’s as pleasant as it sounds. 

So the demon doggie it turns out is not so demonic after all and she is, in fact, good for me it seems. 

Other than this- T is hunting with the boys. We see less and less of him as deer season progresses. E made robotics and choir. I spend my time taking care of the family zoo between trips to school. I’ve volunteered myself to do the Halloween party @school. This requires I call people and organize stuff. Whatever was I thinking? I guess we’ll see how it goes. Socially inept introverts shouldn’t organize parties. We should just run the crafts table or something.

-B 

August 4th, 2016

Cat still in the wall @ the farm, in spite of all our efforts. Trying one way door finally we’ll see if it works. Going back to check on Saturday. Boys are building themselves a fancy deer blind to go hunting in.
So hard to be there sometimes. Mixed emotions. Disgust for the current condition, plants are overgrown, spiders and fleas in the house. Cats made a phenomenal mess. But I dream of what it could become. I can picture my plants in the windows. The cabinets painted, new countertops, long sheer curtains… I’m able to see the potential the way I saw this place when we moved here. I like naked or nearly naked pallets to begin with. It lets me create whatever I can imagine.
I can see the whole place in cool greens, blues and earthy neutrals. I touch of eggplant purple in the bedroom. Industrial touches here and there that I’ll make myself. I can spend my time making it beautiful instead of only functional.
That’s just the inside. I can imagine our horses running in the field. Zinnias planted three feet deep outside the south bank of windows, the garden filled with rows of my mounds. Water features, a fire pit, seating areas, a tree house for E.
I can’t even tell you how much this place could mean to us all. It seems as if “life” is thwarting our hopes at every turn. Took months to even get things in the hands of a lawyer. Now they are epically slow. No real news in almost a month. EP still hasn’t paid T. No paycheck this time in over a month. It just gets worse and worse. Sometimes I am frustrated with him, wonder if he couldn’t be more assertive about it… About getting off the Titanic before it sinks all the way to the bottom. I feel like those people standing on deck, watching the last of the lifeboats launching, knowing we are too far in the back of the line… I paid only 2 bills from savings this week. The rest I have to wait. I fear these asshats will ruin the credit we’ve struggled so hard to build this past year. Our savings is almost depleted. If T doesn’t figure something out soon, I’m going to need a job, and FAST. Not even sure that would be enough to save us at this point.
I’m tired of the constant uncertainty. I know nothing is a sure thing these days where companies are concerned, but there has to be more stable than THIS out there.
PLEASE let him find it. And SOON.
E starting school in two weeks. Can’t even buy her new shoes or school supplies. 😦
Made a little doing computer stuff on the side. May have to use that to cover it. If only money spells or blessings actually worked. Trying to keep spirits up, but it’s getting harder all the time.
-B

July 13 2016

Set alarm this morning, slept through it because jaw hurt and didn’t want to wake up and deal. Made it to Library to see “snake lady” just before big storms started rolling in. Saw Carly and Angie. No second grade teachers for E’s community next year. Wonder what they’ll do?
E got to touch a speckled King snake. Lady told them no rattlers in this area. I didn’t tell her I nearly stepped on one in our yard when I was pregnant. No more night watering after that!
Storms all afternoon and evening. E wants to go see swinging bridges. I told her we’ll go, but not until flooding calmed down.
Found out pain meds don’t do as much for my teeth pain as Motrin does. Hole is about half closed now. Hoping to feel normal next week. After pain from mural and now teeth for two weeks, I’m over the whole pain thing.
Did some painting on pantry this afternoon. Need to pick up more paint. Already have paint and color scheme decided for new house. I sure hope this doesn’t go to hell at the last minute.
SO much rain tonight. Really glad we don’t live in flood area. Need to mow again with all the rain. Garden is doing really well though. We’re going to have buckets of watermelon if it keeps raining like this.
Would like to get some sewing done one day…
18th anniversary coming up Sunday. Seems like another lifetime ago sometimes. We were both so different then.
Hopefully progress made this week on estate stuff and paperwork starting to be signed soon. Have to keep getting projects here wrapped up ASAP. Sometimes I wish I didn’t start so many things and not finish them!
E has a play date next week. I guess we’ve joined the yuppie parents and kids for real now. Showing my age… Do they even still call them that?
Rain is SO loud.
I have trouble sleeping in storms.

Thursday, June 30th

Yard therapy going well. Forgot how much my landscape actually needs me to maintain order and not swallow the yard like Jumanji vines.
E passed out in our bed while I was making dinner. Been getting up way too early to play her games. Going to have to be mean mom and make her go outside more.
She likes loves the pool, just doesn’t want much to do with yard work. Has been pretty good about checking garden though. So many cucumbers already!!!
Going to farm AGAIN tomorrow to deal with cat hiding in walls. If no cat in trap, I’m taking a dry wall knife and yanking that little sucker out with gloves. I’m over the whole going up there for the cat thing. Never should have been left in the house in first place.
Knee is much better now. Nerve pain in arm/shoulder still sucks. Plan to find rheumatologist soon. Still no $ from T’s work. Got one check on May 6th… Nothing in June. More lies, more empty promises. T’s job is apparently a narc.
Wish the cat trap caught cats as well as my trap catches mice. Our cat is a fail cat. Rocks was a good mouser, another reason I miss her. Even if she did leave me parts.

Not many blackberries this summer. Too dry during the crucial time. They are all small, slow to turn, very little sugar. Good thing we had a good crop last year. I need to make cobbler soon.

Teeth in very back or maybe my jaw hurting past several days. Waiting to see if T gets paid and how much before calling dentist. Already owe $300+. Yay insurance? Apparently ours is rather lacking.

I wish my body would develop an auto immunity to my fat cells like it has my joints, thyroid, allergies, etc. It seems to hang onto those like precious jewels.

Bought E a reading lamp. Reading before bed at night now instead of fighting about going to sleep. Finished two 100+ page chapter books this week already! Maybe have finally found a way to make reading not a chore.

Now if only I can find a way to get her to join me outside.

B

May 1, 2016

Surrounded by narcs with no hope of escape. Often wonder what this is doing to daughter, having to interact with all these sociopaths at such a young age. H broke my heart, telling me stories of her childhood. I’ll never understand a parent that puts themselves before their child.
No ball practice today, field too muddy from lots of rain. Got some planting in garden done today. Built recycled trellis, planted tomatoes, cucumbers, peas.
Move to farm not looking great right now. MIL making demands, changing original plan… Not to our benefit of course. I would rather stay here indefinitely than take current offer… Or move to other side of country to get away from everyone currently pissing me off.
May wind up doing plan B- build house here. Would be sad to lose farm, but won’t take it under current “conditions” being placed on it. Not worth it.
T’s work still flaky. Never know if he’ll get paid or another meeting. We’re both under SO much stress… Think I’m developing a damn ulcer to top it off. Never have I wanted to smoke so badly since I quit. 8 years… I won’t, but I’ve sure been thinking about it a lot. Thank goodness for cinnamon breathsavers, I’ve been eating them like crazy. They burn a bit, kind of like smoking did.
Ugh… So bad right now. I really just want to pace and smoke and blast angry industrial music until I feel better. Things I did before my daughter. Have to set an example.

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SO very tired. I’ve gone between wanting to sleep through entire days, to not being able to sleep like right now. Tired of being used. Everybody has a freaking agenda and their wants, needs, etc ALWAYS come first. T wonders why I’ve become such a hermit and like plants SO much more than people. They’re simple. They’re lovely. They’re calming. They don’t lie to me every 2.5 seconds.
I’ve been telling myself, “Just breathe,” reciting the words of that song over and over.
Tonight I’m just doing well not to scream and rage and burn through every lying, mask wearing, manipulative asshat I’ve come across.
I need a creek day something fierce. And a TON of yard therapy.
-B

April 15, 2016

Didn’t sleep well last night, forgot to take pills before bed… Yeesh getting old. Arthritis sucks. Wrote a very long letter today to part of extended family. Wondering if it will make a difference or be wasted paper. Always find myself referring to Atlas during times of great stress, almost as if it were a bible. Maybe it is… Mine at least.
Went to school early, used my volunteer badge to get E and go to back parking, front lot is a zoo because of the carnival in middle school parking lot. People parking in ditch and @ the Baptist church. I don’t abuse the badge often. Finished decorating while I waited on the bell. At least I did something volunteer-ish. 😉
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Ice cream at DQ with E after school. Home for a bit, worked on that note some more… I know, I’m not penning a novel, but the message has to be right… Only one shot at this. Ball practice. Wandered about, got pictures. E distracted today, didn’t seem that interested in playing. Wonder if she’s getting discouraged? Ordered a practice tool so she can work on batting. N hit every single ball, then popped one off the bat right into his face. Bloody nose, poor kid. Note to self, put first aid kit in the car. First game is this coming Monday. Hope E snaps out of her funk and gets into it.
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T supposed to at least get milage today, nothing yet. Supposedly, they have resolved the issue for a few months. Sinking… Sinking… I really hope he gets hired by another contractor soon. I hate wondering if we can pay bills from week to week w/o wiping out our savings.
Casey’s Pizza tonight. Had to eat cheap. T’s going fishing tomorrow. Not my thing, I’ll yard or WOW. Already have my first sunburn of summer. Time to start using that sunscreen! Yard looks especially beautiful this year. Maybe I’m just happy to see it all bloom… Maybe the last time.
B