February 5th, 2017

So many things going on right now…

Finished painting cabinets.  Few things left in kitchen,  then start on bathroom.  Weekends cleaning out farm.  Forgot what relaxing feels like, hopefully no more renovation after farm is done. Waiting on lawyers, I am far from patient. Want to tell people,  afraid I’ll jinx it. Cut trees, moved 95% of main house to other house.  Felt empty, but really good.  Got to visit with Dennis. Huge scar from broken deep V branch on tree up front. Cut off rot, sealed scar, hopefully tree will recover. Worried about condition of big oaks. 

Wishing I could plan a garden this year. Too much work in house to be outside. Find this distressing.  Miss walking with dogs. Saw 9 turkeys. Sent box marked,  “Steins and assorted spiders” Decided to abandon fridge.  Mouse nests all over trailer.  SO many projects there.  Need to get started. Wish papers were signed already.  

Very extremely much tired. Considering self publishing. Tired of sitting on ideas that I’m not acting on. Amazed how much my dad as kid looks like me in photos. Often wonder if I could have known him better. 

Have a planning book. Lawyers need to hurry up so I can put it to work.

October 15, 2016

Long time since I’ve posted anything. Cat has finally been removed from wall. Still fighting relatives re: status of resolving everything in the trust. Ppl acting with typical greed/entitlement syndrome rather than trying to preserve what grandparents have built. Sad and frustrating. I just want to see it restored and made a gathering place for friends and family again. Or at least “made” family like Dennis, since both of our families are so incredibly f%$&#ed up. 

We have a new puppy. Malinois border collie mix. They call it a Malin collie. We call her Lenore. If you don’t understand

 why, I’m not going to try and explain it to you… ppl look at me as if I’m crazy when I start talking about Poe and the Ravens. Are you doing it now? Then stop reading this blog. Immediately. Go stalk someone that reads Nora Robert’s novels and takes those relationship quizzes in Cosmopolitan. 

I was afraid new puppy would be a nightmare at first. Our two adult dogs are extremely mellow bordering on just plain lazy. This puppy, the demon spawn of two energetic breeds, MUST be exercised daily, else she will chew everything in the house, including us and the lazy dogs. 

So I stated walking her every day to maintain my sanity. And I’m finding that even though my back hurts today and I had to buy better walking shoes than my Walmart specials, I am holding up ok. My hands have been he’ll with the weather shift and I’ll soon wish someone would just chop them off the pain will be so bad… but so far, the walking seems to be not only NOT hurting, but maybe even HELPING a bit. 

I started out with very short, quick adventures. After a week, I’m happy to report that Olivia pulls less, Lenore is nearly leash broke already and I am not feeling like I need to be in a wheelchair. We’re up to almost half hour walks. Which may seem REALLY pitiful to some, but it was progress for us. The arthritis pain in my back, hips, shoulders didn’t really abate this summer. Normally I get a period of respite between spring and fall. This year though, I had several weeks where I felt my pelvis was full of shards of hot glass. Yes, it’s as pleasant as it sounds. 

So the demon doggie it turns out is not so demonic after all and she is, in fact, good for me it seems. 

Other than this- T is hunting with the boys. We see less and less of him as deer season progresses. E made robotics and choir. I spend my time taking care of the family zoo between trips to school. I’ve volunteered myself to do the Halloween party @school. This requires I call people and organize stuff. Whatever was I thinking? I guess we’ll see how it goes. Socially inept introverts shouldn’t organize parties. We should just run the crafts table or something.

-B 

August 4th, 2016

Cat still in the wall @ the farm, in spite of all our efforts. Trying one way door finally we’ll see if it works. Going back to check on Saturday. Boys are building themselves a fancy deer blind to go hunting in.
So hard to be there sometimes. Mixed emotions. Disgust for the current condition, plants are overgrown, spiders and fleas in the house. Cats made a phenomenal mess. But I dream of what it could become. I can picture my plants in the windows. The cabinets painted, new countertops, long sheer curtains… I’m able to see the potential the way I saw this place when we moved here. I like naked or nearly naked pallets to begin with. It lets me create whatever I can imagine.
I can see the whole place in cool greens, blues and earthy neutrals. I touch of eggplant purple in the bedroom. Industrial touches here and there that I’ll make myself. I can spend my time making it beautiful instead of only functional.
That’s just the inside. I can imagine our horses running in the field. Zinnias planted three feet deep outside the south bank of windows, the garden filled with rows of my mounds. Water features, a fire pit, seating areas, a tree house for E.
I can’t even tell you how much this place could mean to us all. It seems as if “life” is thwarting our hopes at every turn. Took months to even get things in the hands of a lawyer. Now they are epically slow. No real news in almost a month. EP still hasn’t paid T. No paycheck this time in over a month. It just gets worse and worse. Sometimes I am frustrated with him, wonder if he couldn’t be more assertive about it… About getting off the Titanic before it sinks all the way to the bottom. I feel like those people standing on deck, watching the last of the lifeboats launching, knowing we are too far in the back of the line… I paid only 2 bills from savings this week. The rest I have to wait. I fear these asshats will ruin the credit we’ve struggled so hard to build this past year. Our savings is almost depleted. If T doesn’t figure something out soon, I’m going to need a job, and FAST. Not even sure that would be enough to save us at this point.
I’m tired of the constant uncertainty. I know nothing is a sure thing these days where companies are concerned, but there has to be more stable than THIS out there.
PLEASE let him find it. And SOON.
E starting school in two weeks. Can’t even buy her new shoes or school supplies. 😦
Made a little doing computer stuff on the side. May have to use that to cover it. If only money spells or blessings actually worked. Trying to keep spirits up, but it’s getting harder all the time.
-B

July 13 2016

Set alarm this morning, slept through it because jaw hurt and didn’t want to wake up and deal. Made it to Library to see “snake lady” just before big storms started rolling in. Saw Carly and Angie. No second grade teachers for E’s community next year. Wonder what they’ll do?
E got to touch a speckled King snake. Lady told them no rattlers in this area. I didn’t tell her I nearly stepped on one in our yard when I was pregnant. No more night watering after that!
Storms all afternoon and evening. E wants to go see swinging bridges. I told her we’ll go, but not until flooding calmed down.
Found out pain meds don’t do as much for my teeth pain as Motrin does. Hole is about half closed now. Hoping to feel normal next week. After pain from mural and now teeth for two weeks, I’m over the whole pain thing.
Did some painting on pantry this afternoon. Need to pick up more paint. Already have paint and color scheme decided for new house. I sure hope this doesn’t go to hell at the last minute.
SO much rain tonight. Really glad we don’t live in flood area. Need to mow again with all the rain. Garden is doing really well though. We’re going to have buckets of watermelon if it keeps raining like this.
Would like to get some sewing done one day…
18th anniversary coming up Sunday. Seems like another lifetime ago sometimes. We were both so different then.
Hopefully progress made this week on estate stuff and paperwork starting to be signed soon. Have to keep getting projects here wrapped up ASAP. Sometimes I wish I didn’t start so many things and not finish them!
E has a play date next week. I guess we’ve joined the yuppie parents and kids for real now. Showing my age… Do they even still call them that?
Rain is SO loud.
I have trouble sleeping in storms.

Thursday, June 30th

Yard therapy going well. Forgot how much my landscape actually needs me to maintain order and not swallow the yard like Jumanji vines.
E passed out in our bed while I was making dinner. Been getting up way too early to play her games. Going to have to be mean mom and make her go outside more.
She likes loves the pool, just doesn’t want much to do with yard work. Has been pretty good about checking garden though. So many cucumbers already!!!
Going to farm AGAIN tomorrow to deal with cat hiding in walls. If no cat in trap, I’m taking a dry wall knife and yanking that little sucker out with gloves. I’m over the whole going up there for the cat thing. Never should have been left in the house in first place.
Knee is much better now. Nerve pain in arm/shoulder still sucks. Plan to find rheumatologist soon. Still no $ from T’s work. Got one check on May 6th… Nothing in June. More lies, more empty promises. T’s job is apparently a narc.
Wish the cat trap caught cats as well as my trap catches mice. Our cat is a fail cat. Rocks was a good mouser, another reason I miss her. Even if she did leave me parts.

Not many blackberries this summer. Too dry during the crucial time. They are all small, slow to turn, very little sugar. Good thing we had a good crop last year. I need to make cobbler soon.

Teeth in very back or maybe my jaw hurting past several days. Waiting to see if T gets paid and how much before calling dentist. Already owe $300+. Yay insurance? Apparently ours is rather lacking.

I wish my body would develop an auto immunity to my fat cells like it has my joints, thyroid, allergies, etc. It seems to hang onto those like precious jewels.

Bought E a reading lamp. Reading before bed at night now instead of fighting about going to sleep. Finished two 100+ page chapter books this week already! Maybe have finally found a way to make reading not a chore.

Now if only I can find a way to get her to join me outside.

B

May 1, 2016

Surrounded by narcs with no hope of escape. Often wonder what this is doing to daughter, having to interact with all these sociopaths at such a young age. H broke my heart, telling me stories of her childhood. I’ll never understand a parent that puts themselves before their child.
No ball practice today, field too muddy from lots of rain. Got some planting in garden done today. Built recycled trellis, planted tomatoes, cucumbers, peas.
Move to farm not looking great right now. MIL making demands, changing original plan… Not to our benefit of course. I would rather stay here indefinitely than take current offer… Or move to other side of country to get away from everyone currently pissing me off.
May wind up doing plan B- build house here. Would be sad to lose farm, but won’t take it under current “conditions” being placed on it. Not worth it.
T’s work still flaky. Never know if he’ll get paid or another meeting. We’re both under SO much stress… Think I’m developing a damn ulcer to top it off. Never have I wanted to smoke so badly since I quit. 8 years… I won’t, but I’ve sure been thinking about it a lot. Thank goodness for cinnamon breathsavers, I’ve been eating them like crazy. They burn a bit, kind of like smoking did.
Ugh… So bad right now. I really just want to pace and smoke and blast angry industrial music until I feel better. Things I did before my daughter. Have to set an example.

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SO very tired. I’ve gone between wanting to sleep through entire days, to not being able to sleep like right now. Tired of being used. Everybody has a freaking agenda and their wants, needs, etc ALWAYS come first. T wonders why I’ve become such a hermit and like plants SO much more than people. They’re simple. They’re lovely. They’re calming. They don’t lie to me every 2.5 seconds.
I’ve been telling myself, “Just breathe,” reciting the words of that song over and over.
Tonight I’m just doing well not to scream and rage and burn through every lying, mask wearing, manipulative asshat I’ve come across.
I need a creek day something fierce. And a TON of yard therapy.
-B

April 15, 2016

Didn’t sleep well last night, forgot to take pills before bed… Yeesh getting old. Arthritis sucks. Wrote a very long letter today to part of extended family. Wondering if it will make a difference or be wasted paper. Always find myself referring to Atlas during times of great stress, almost as if it were a bible. Maybe it is… Mine at least.
Went to school early, used my volunteer badge to get E and go to back parking, front lot is a zoo because of the carnival in middle school parking lot. People parking in ditch and @ the Baptist church. I don’t abuse the badge often. Finished decorating while I waited on the bell. At least I did something volunteer-ish. 😉
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Ice cream at DQ with E after school. Home for a bit, worked on that note some more… I know, I’m not penning a novel, but the message has to be right… Only one shot at this. Ball practice. Wandered about, got pictures. E distracted today, didn’t seem that interested in playing. Wonder if she’s getting discouraged? Ordered a practice tool so she can work on batting. N hit every single ball, then popped one off the bat right into his face. Bloody nose, poor kid. Note to self, put first aid kit in the car. First game is this coming Monday. Hope E snaps out of her funk and gets into it.
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T supposed to at least get milage today, nothing yet. Supposedly, they have resolved the issue for a few months. Sinking… Sinking… I really hope he gets hired by another contractor soon. I hate wondering if we can pay bills from week to week w/o wiping out our savings.
Casey’s Pizza tonight. Had to eat cheap. T’s going fishing tomorrow. Not my thing, I’ll yard or WOW. Already have my first sunburn of summer. Time to start using that sunscreen! Yard looks especially beautiful this year. Maybe I’m just happy to see it all bloom… Maybe the last time.
B

April 14, 2016

Beyond frustrated right now. T’s company didn’t pay him AGAIN; this time they are saying it could be as much as two weeks before they catch it up. I’ve lost count of how many times they’ve done this now, but two weeks is the longest it’s ever gone before. This place is sinking faster than the Titanic and we’ve been locked below deck. T has calls in to people, hoping to get something resolved or maybe prospects for another job. Waiting sucks.

Nothing resolved with moving or the farm either. Still waiting on people to call lawyers, lawyers to call each other, someone to figure out what the next steps are. If a clock tower and a rifle could resolve this, I’d be tempted. It’s been another entire week. No discussion, no progress, NOTHING. FFS, just get off your butts and MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN already.

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I don’t mind waiting. I really don’t. If I know there is a good reason for it and that things are in motion, they’ll just take time. I can be extremely patient, as long as I’m making some sort of progress.
But this inertia is killing me. And what’s worse, I’m just along for the ride. I have no control over any of it, not really a say even. I can keep asking T what’s going on and why nothing is happening… I just get another big sigh, eye roll and, “I don’t know.” I could yell and scream but it wouldn’t do any good. Not being able to just take the reins from people when they aren’t doing anything really sucks. Nothing like just sitting there in the back, watching yourself go over the cliff.

I try not to obsess, but now this thing with T’s work makes it harder. One crisis after another this month. Did I mention daughter got head lice? Several other kids in her class had it as well, so I can only speculate where it came from. Hair down to her waist. Thick as mine. It takes an hour to comb through it each time, but we’ve diligently done it every night this week.

Sad to say, handling the lice has been the highlight of this month so far. At least it’s something I CAN take action on and do something about.

Dogwood festival this weekend. Can’t believe it’s almost summer already.

-B

April 3rd, 2016

$20 Black & Decker Drill

… Keeps going through my head over and over. All this mess with T’s family over grandparent’s estate. Everyone squabbling that they want a lawyer and to get their fair share. Going to land the damn thing in probate where it will be tied up for YEARS, more likely. And lose all kinds of $ in the process.
I wish it was just over with.

It’s been over 20 years now since my grandpa Keith died. (Is that even POSSIBLE? )
Unfortunately, I still have vivid memories of the events right before and after his death. My mom and uncle fighting over the scraps of his life like a pack of hyenas. My then-boyfriend had to yell at them both the night following grandpa’s death. They got in a screaming match in the living room over end which of them was going to take this stupid cordless drill. SCREAMING.
I told bf, “If they don’t stop, I’m going to grab it from them grandpa smash it to bits. Then there won’t’ be anything to fight over.” He made them stop. Told them they were acting like children.
My grandpa lived in a small rental apartment. He made chili for AA meetings on weekends. He had just retired from years of working in theaters. He wore 3 piece suits everyday for years. He found out he had throat cancer just after Christmas. By May 10th, he was gone. I loved him dearly.
I wanted to take home things that smelled like him, his comforter, his clothes… I wanted movie posters, because of anything else there, I felt those represented him best. My mother and uncle walked in before grandpa had even had time to be embalmed and started taking stock of anything valuable. His jewelry. The car. The furniture, appliances, stuff like that. Their interests clearly weren’t about remembrance, but “what’s in it for me?”
For all the fighting, I’ll bet they couldn’t even tell you where half that stuff is now. Some of it was sold for $. Some is rotting in my mother’s garage. Clearly, she cherished every thing she brought home. It destroyed what little relationship there was between my mom and get brother. It sickened me in a way I never forgave either of them for.
Now, I’m watching my husband’s family do the same thing. Fighting over a couple sheds full of yardsale stuff, boxes of old magazines full of brown recluse, a tiny metal boat, a tractor that doesn’t run and a a few beer stiens. The whole lot couldn’t be worth more than a couple thousand $. They act like the Hope Diamond and the Crown jewels are in those sheds.
It makes me unbelievingly sad. His grandparents even had a living trust, trying to avoid this very situation. Why do people behave like this over stuff they didn’t even earn?
All I can think of while all this stupid drama goes on is, “$20 cordless drill.” And I wonder if anyone is bothering to water papaw’s Rose of Sharon bushes that he planted the year before he died. 😦

-B

January 31st, 2016

Quiet weekend after Tom’s tonsillectomy on Monday. Today seems to be the worst so far, eschar is starting to come off, new nerve endings exposed. Wonder if there’s always going to be big holes back there now instead of huge tonsils?
Took E to ride her bike today, she wanted to show Dad she could ride sans training wheels. Wound up at WM before afternoon was over, picking out a new bike.

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I haven’t ridden in over 20 years, last thing I had was the 10 speed I got when I was about 8 or 9 I think? New bike is a mountain bike. Even got a rack for the car. Shit’s getting serious now! Lol. Guess I’ll see if I can ride with her and not break my neck.

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Freaking wheels are huge. I’m only 5’5″ so barely can touch the ground when on the seat. At least E will grow into hers!
She signed up for STEAM (science, technology, engineering, arts, math), so far she likes it. Only 6 kids, all in her community, they’re building a car of some sort this week. Also signed up for fit & fun, wants to do softball in spring. Extra curriculars… Here we go! This is how it begins… Next thing I’ll be driving a mini bus and playing mom taxi to 7 kids. Ah well, she’ll be in college before I know it at the rate things are going by.
Got garden fence in this weekend. More for extra trellis space than a fence to keep things out. Ordered all my plants. Praying they don’t all come at once now or I’ll be planting in the dark.
Really looking forward to summer already. I complain things go by too fast, then wish 3 months away in the next breath. >.<
Was awesome getting outside this weekend though. 68F in January! I expect to pay for that before winter is over. I just want to be outside! Can't seem to get motivated to work on inside projects this year.

I just feel like doing art and growing things. Ordered E a bunch of zinnia seeds to fill that huge new planting bed in front of the garden. We’re going to have loads of flowers this year. Berries, veggies, even peach trees. Hoping to start beekeeping too.

I’m turning into one of those tree hugging, nature freak artistic types. Recycling and rebuilding stuff, painting & drawing for people, spending more and more time outside. I even talked Tom into taking me on sort of a “nature vacation” this year. Maybe I’ve always been this way, I just hadn’t embraced it yet.

Time to crash. Busy day tomorrow followed by busier week.

-Belle