December 25th, 2015

Had a wonderful Christmas with Mister and E. I’m still amazed sometimes at the lack of stress/drama during holidays since making the decision to keep major holidays just the three of us. We played from 5:30 am until almost 6pm, when E finally gave up and settled down in the chair to watch Alladin with dad. I used to get hives on the holidays. Today I smiled so much my cheeks hurt. πŸ™‚
Can’t imagine a better way to spend Christmas.
E has so many cool new things, I’m going to have to get some sort of new storage system in her room. I thought the flying dragon was going to be her favorite, but she spent hours playing with the engineering blocks. And I was worried she wouldn’t like them!
Her cousins seem to have had a halfway decent day in spite of the hell they are going through. It’s just not fair when kids get drug into their parent’s drama. No kid deserves that. You would think, that people who experienced childhood trauma themselves would be the last parents in the world to put their children through the same or worse. Apparently that logic doesn’t hold on illogical people.
So the day was a bit bittersweet. Happy for myself, my husband, my child… Grieving for her cousins and what they are going through.
E’s grandparents here tomorrow.
I’m already making project lists in my head of things I’d like to get done once the holidays are over. I’ve ordered organizers to remedy the shoe situation. E’s room and the tools are next. The clutter makes me crazy. Makes me want to spring clean and have a junk-bonfire.
I need to start thinking about how to set up beehives.
That was rather random…
-B

December 23rd, 2015

The eve before Christmas eve. Yule came and went here with little fuss. I am no better at keeping up Wiccan ritual than I was any other religion. I am glad the days will be getting longer again, the warm weather makes me miss my garden already.
I got my first seed catalogue, made a mental note to pick out some things to start from seed soon. Time to start stocking up on empty water bottles again!
Went to Marianne’s for a few hours. Took her banana bread, walked by the creek with dogs, E loves the new puppy. He has loads of energy and likes to fetch. Fed some treats to Stretch and Dena, ran to Wal-Mart. (For the love of all things holy WHY did I let us run out of dog food two days before Christmas?!) Crowds were INSANE. Ran into Jack, George and Lynn. Strange to see some people from the hospital now, almost seems another lifetime ago.
Ordered stuff to get shoes organized. Every time I go to Marianne’s, I am reminded how woefully cluttered and unorganized our house is. …and how badly I need to rip all of our carpet out. One thing at a time I guess.
Tomorrow I will spend cleaning house and getting ready for company Sat. I have to nail trellis back up tomorrow, the wind was brutal today and knocked some down on the porch.
-B

Again, I Start Something…

Only to get busy with other projects and forget about it. I was using this site as a journal of sorts, but then school started, I was tired and forgot to write in it for 4 months.

E had her 7th birthday on the ice at Old Kinderhook. I didn’t try to skate, arthritis makes possibility of a fall scary. She had a great time with a friend from school. Elsa, Olaf and Santa all there. πŸ™‚

Been working on some things for Wrong Side Dirt. Thinking of using it as a kind of therapy, writing always has helped. Family accused me of writing a book about them, maybe it’s not a bad idea. I never realized how many ppl out there have to deal with abuse or the fall out from it. I spend a lot of time reading about NPD, the more I learn, the easier it is to cope. So much loss… I miss these people sometimes, yet the people I miss never actually existed at all. They were only masks of what they wanted me to see. I wonder why I have nightmares. Still, determined my daughter will not fall prey to these creatures. I’ve spent my entire life at battle with them, I don’t want her to have to waste hers that way. If only I had the time back I invested in those ‘people’.

Been doing a lot of artwork for the school. Fun, makes the kids happy, teachers happy, great way to channel some energy into something positive. Plus, I got home-canned pickles out of the deal. πŸ™‚

Need to get some house projects finished. Might be nice to have kitchen cabinets done before we build new house.

Christmas only 3 days away. Not sure where this year has gone, except I’ve been so busy @ school, Tom teases I should just work there. But if I went back to college, would likely be for marketing, not teaching degree.

NYs Resolution needs to be stop thinking about people that didn’t make the effort to stay in my life and concern myself with the ones that did. Shoo ghosts, don’t bother me… And stop sending my kid mail.

Saturday, August 15

Worked on E’s new tree house most of the day. Got walls up. Back wall even has a window. Planning pulley system, chalk board, tire climb and rope ladder for the rest. Going to add swing set later. She was very happy with progress. 99% built from scrap lumber, tires and mostly pallet wood, which was free.
Ladder materials and pulley system will add about $40.
T going to help move stuff from farm tomorrow. Plans to start a beehive this fall to go between the garden and fruit trees I want to plant when I build mounds for them. Need to clear top of hill tomorrow anyway, I think we’re getting a tractor. More equipment we get, the better this land is becoming. Moving some tires out to camping area tomorrow. I’m thinking of building camp chairs out of them somehow.
We already have a huge coffee table made of pallets. Just needs sanded and stained.
I have a list of house projects a mile long and yard projects two miles long, hoping to keep me busy this fall and winter. Last year sucked SO bad. I was depressed about my family, then E gone 8 hours a day at school. I spent WAY too much time moping around, being depressed. Don’t want to waste time like that this year. I have too much I’d like to do. Plus, I’m hoping more exercise and less depression will help keep the pain from getting so out of control. It always hurts more when I sit and have time to dwell on it.
B

Wednesday, August 5th

Couple of quiet days. Worked on E’s scrapbook for the past school year Tuesday. As usual, it won’t be finished until she’s already in the next grade. I’m going to have to get a new bookshelf in the office to hold them all. I picked the biggest binder available and still had to use two of them for this one year. They give them SO much paper at public school. I haven’t even added our personal pictures yet, just her school stuff. I even threw about 25% of it in the trash… Worksheets she’d only half finished or were repeats that she’d had over and over.
Next week we’ll get to find out who her teacher is.
Today we watched movies because it rained all day. The most ambitious thing I did was color my hair and wax.
I think tomorrow we are going to go play in the creek. I want to do fun stuff this next week and a half instead of working. I can knock out projects while she is at school. Hopefully this year, I can stay a little more focused instead of watching reruns and being depressed. What a waste that was. I’d love to be able to say I have a publisher by Christmas. It would also be nice to have several chapters of my book written. U guess we’ll see. I also have house things, yard projects and exercise I want to get in. Maybe I’ll be too busy to mope about. πŸ˜‰
B

Monday, August 3rd

15 days till school starts. Does it seem I’m counting down? I guess I am. Not bc I’m in a hurry to send her off though. I’m hoping I do better this year and do something productive while E’s at school, instead of sitting around here, depressed and thinking about things that should be long dead to me and left alone. Last year was rough.
Already I’m thinking, “Just one more lunch and errand day together before I go back to shopping alone.” Getting grown up SO freaking fast… And about to come into that age that I can still remember vividly from my own childhood. Tunnels through wild roses, riding my purple bike with no breaks down Hollyhock. The apocalyptic rock fight with the Murphy’s. Rich’s little brother siphoning gas from Mom’s car. Getting a tape recorder for my 8th birthday and my first 2 albums- Thriller and She’s So Unusual. Collecting Bryer horses. Playing with Patrick and Jerred in the back yard.
I wonder what she will remember? I try to make good memories for her. Things she can look back and remember us spending REAL time together. I want her to be confident in herself now. She’ll need all she can get in about 5 years. For every great memory I have of how epic it was being 8, I have an equal number of horror stories I can recall from 12-17.
We had lunch together at El Caporal today. Opened her a savings account. She spent the afternoon playing with toy handcuffs from the grocery store.
Supposed to make cobbler tomorrow. Maybe we’ll find time to go to the woods for a bit.
B

August 2nd

Felt like a short weekend. Took E  to library on Saturday while T went to creek to deliver cucumbers. Told not to visit because they were too tired, but kept him there talking until after 3. (His observation, not mine) Spent rest of afternoon playing a little WOW, then grilling burgers. I was fine with a weekend off. Too much peopling makes me cranky.
Sunday built a spice rack from pallets. I need to find more stuff to make from them. Spice rack turned out pretty well. Still need to stain, but not sure of cabinet color yet, so I’ll wait.
Next weekend Harrison, which always wears me out. SO MUCH going on and always wall to wall people. I have fun, but need several days to recuperate. Almost feels like a hangover after.
School starts in 16 days. Mixed feelings. I get SO used to having E home, but I also need to get back to writing. Have to force myself to work on projects this year, get book published. I keep changing the big book. Although I have an ending now, which may help the rest move right along. I want to do a bit more character development before I launch into the edgy scenes. I thought about taking supernatural aspect out, but then decided it was more fun in.
T got approved for mileage, hopefully we can get some things caught up now. Need new tires on both vehicles. Licensing coming up too. I’d really like a new sewing machine.
Keep considering my mother, then deciding against trying to fix. Thinking about M is usually what puts me off making the effort. All those lies and so much fake. I wonder if she is capable of telling the truth? I’m sure she’s told some whoppers in past year, thinking we are gone and she’ll never have to answer for them. Like the ones she tells friends she thinks I’ll never meet. Has made for some awkward moments in the past.

Have to get to sleep. Will soon be getting up early to take E to school again.
B

July 27th, 2015

Not too much going on today. Tried to get some yard work done, but the heat is so oppressive that it’s almost impossible. Managed to weed eat the garden, go to the store. Little else. E played games on the old XBox all day.
Mr. had what I hope remains good news. Work is willing to pay him mileage. May be able to get things caught up and start paying off the smaller loans.
Have to get up early to work on the yard before the heat sets in. Better get some sleep.
B

July 26th, 2015

Missed several posts… Busy and tired.
Went to M’s on Thurs, played in the creek. Found fossil, saved a wolf spider from drowning. E explored both sides. Creek has rerouted during the flood. Car battery was dead. M drove us home, charged battery overnight, was fine in AM. Hopefully will get to go back out before school starts. Can’t believe only 3 full weeks left already. Where did summer go???
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ILs over on Friday. Veggie soup. Lightning knocked out power couple times, fried the surround sound. T replaced today. I was exhausted last night. To much people-ing I think. Certain people are a huge drain on my energy, makes me crabby.
Played some Hearthstone, grilled chicken, listened to Disney tunes before bed. Trying to get Chore Monster working for E so she can have allowance next week.

July 21, 2015

Mostly quiet day. E grounded from “screens” for finding excuses to get up after going to bed. Spent most of the day playing with dogs and toys because of it. Screens off not necessarily a bad thing. Made an impression though. She was very good today and no issues tonight at bedtime.
Gave O too many treats, she had massive diarrhea in LR. 140lb dog crapping on the carpet is about like letting a horse do its business in your house. Spent a good part of afternoon cleaning up that mess and saving the monster book she pooped on. Wiped pages down with bleach wipes, dried with hair dryer, ironed. Not perfect, but no poo stains or smell.
Went to store. Tourists still didn’t get the memo that the weekend is over. Running around the store in bikinis. E tells them they should put some clothing on. Lol
I wonder if they dress like that to go in the store at home?
Supposed to go to pool with school friends tomorrow. I’m dreading the swimsuit thing. What else is new? Probably 15 last time I wasn’t horribly body conscious.
No time toΒ  get rats out today. Hopefully tomorrow after pool.
M invited us to a party her friend is throwing for her teenage daughter. Must send her the memo about my being an introvert that generally hates parties. πŸ˜‰
Can’t go anyway, prior commitments to help Th. move some things at the farm.
Should get some sleep so that I’m not tired AND stressed tomorrow. Hang out at the pool they said… It will be fun, they said…